Disjointed Thoughts

I wish I had it in me to write a brilliant, witty blog post. Heck – I wish I had it in me to write a coherent blog post. But time is money or time is sleep or something, so you’ll get the highlights. Low lights. Cliff lights. Cliff Notes. Whatever.

 

*My primary job now consists of watching a two year old boy and his six week old sister. Holy cow. Parents, how do you do this?!

*This has reaffirmed my decision to not have children, but just watch everyone else’s kids and hand them back at the end of the day. 

*Cuddling a sweet baby is the best thing for my mental health. So, friends – keep having babies!

*We are TRYING to decrease my meds, but it’s a slow process. Also, the first decrease made me an anxious idiot. 

*I am terrified at the thought of not having therapy any more. Likely, it’s just two or three more sessions.

*I gained weight. I both care and don’t care. 

*I like eating, but I don’t want to be “fat” (whatever that means).

*A lot of times, dietitians will remind recovering anorexics that they aren’t just going to gain weight indefinitely and yadda yadda yadda and become overweight yadda yadda yadda. But I have gone from sick to well to overweight and the thought is a bit scary. 

*Okay, a lot scary. 

*Sometimes, there is this little whisper in my head that tells me I could restrict and run again, but do it better this time – just be thin and numb and no other consequences.

*That is a load of bullshit.

*Instead of running tonight, I went for a walk.

*I found apples and berries on my walk (hello, breakfast)!

*At one point I was walking and thinking to myself how lovely the woods smelled.

*I looked down to find myself standing in a field of spearmint. I sort of wanted to roll around in it.

*I just took some for tomorrow’s breakfast bowl, but sniffed it the entire way home.

*Everyone else on the greenway probably thought me an idiot.

*I don’t care.

*I am, mostly, happy.

 

Oh, f**k

I just discovered that I can stream (for free!) the exercise videos that I abused most during my ED. Thank you, Amazon Prime!

This is actually not where I was going at all with this post. In truth, I’m not entirely sure where I was going, but I felt the need to update. The fact that I can count the number of updates I’ve written since I’ve been home on two hands is somewhat distressing. I don’t know where I’m processing stuff. I’m not really journaling, so it’s not as if I’m writing it all out elsewhere. I’m not even e-mailing my therapist on a nightly basis like I was before treatment. 

But I’m dealing with stuff, it would seem. My therapist commented on Monday that I seem to have matured greatly over the past month. And I can definitely see that.  I feel like I’m making strides in therapy and am getting far better at seeing things quasi-reasonably versus letting my irrational, emotional brain make all the decisions. Even with a couple of incidences of self-harm, my therapist thinks I am doing really well. I don’t know if my parents would feel the same way if they knew the severity of the self-harm (I have told them that I self-harmed), but I’m kind of hoping that doesn’t come up.

In other news, I am kicking ass dietarily. As long as I don’t think about it. I have a dietitian appointment in half an hour and I’m afraid that if I hear that I’ve gained (which I’m supposed to be doing anyway!) that I’ll be more fearful of my oreo habit and pbj and chips for lunch. I don’t want to be, because honestly – it’s nice not to overanalyze every.single.bite that passes through my lips. 

In large part, I am able to do this because school is keeping me busy.  I have a 60 question multiple-choice test and four short papers due and then my semester is over. OVER.  I will have survived a full semester as a graduate student.  What?!?!

That said, I am a touch worried about how my month-long break is going to go. I’ll still be nannying, but without school, there won’t be much in the way of structure and I fear that I am just going to sort of laze around and not do so well on the eating front, because loads of unstructured time means that I generally forget to eat or put it off entirely too long. However…

My therapist and I have agreed that my dietitian here is absolutely crappy (she actually suggested I get a grilled chicken sandwich instead of the sandwich I was actually craving, but which left me feeling guilty) and so, assuming my break goes well, I get to step down to once monthly dietary appointments.  Which means I can also return to my dietitian at home. If this happens, it will be the first time in almost four years that I haven’t seen a dietitian on a weekly basis.  That is insane to think about. 

Also, consider the following: 

  • I had never in my life finished a jar of peanut butter, even though it was a binge food.  I have finished FOUR since moving three months ago.  I have also finished three jars of jelly.
  • Oreos have always scared me a bit because they were a binge food, so I hesitate to buy them even in small quantities (like single servings at a gas station), much less in large packages. I bought oreos two weeks ago and finished a pack in a week. Not because I binged on them, but because I ate them in normal amounts whenever I craved them. So I bought another pack. Not feeling the oreos as much this week, so I’m not eating them as much.  NORMAL.
  • I visited a treatment friend last weekend and we went out to eat. At a fast food restaurant. I had hushpuppies and onion rings. The weekend before, I ate fries twice. 

Awesome, right?  Also, I discovered what the problem with my body was – apparently, I am lactose intolerant.  Cheese doesn’t have lactose (it’s a carb) due to the enzymes, and yogurt is usually broken down to some extent by the cultures in it. So those don’t bother me too terribly. But ice cream? Milk? White chocolate covered pretzels? All out.  The only thing I can figure is that when I got out of treatment, I essentially stopped eating dairy other than cheese and yogurt (before treatment, I was eating ice cream regularly to appease my dad). Lactase is a use it or lose it enzyme, so I guess that not eating ice cream or milk for a few months was enough to throw my body off when I tried to institute a nightly milkshake or bowl of ice cream in an attempt to gain weight.

The most depressing part about this is the fact that my favourite ever candy bar (Skor or Heath) is essentially 90% dairy because that’s what toffee is.  LAME.  This is why there is lactaid.

Okay, off to another session with the less-than-awesome dietitian.  Then class.  Then CATCHING FIRE.  

I’m just a little excited about the last one.