Stuck

I feel a bit like Flick in “A Christmas Story” – tongue frozen to the pole, squealing because I can’t get unstuck. Unfortunately, squealing doesn’t do much to remove my tongue from the pole.

And it’s not as if I’m stuck in a bad way. Like I said in my last post, I am in a good (and boring) place. This is very different than being stuck in an anorexic mind rut and unable to get out. I feel stuck in a creative sense.

I can’t write, can’t draw, can’t paint. There are things I want and need to say, to get out on paper in one way or another, but they are behind a wall.

One of the things I have always feared about seeking mental health is losing my creativity. The link between creativity and “madness” is well researched. And so I’ve wondered if by lessening the effects of my abnormal brain chemistry, I’ve also lessened the effects of my creativity.

When I was truly sick, I could not stop writing. I drew everything. I was a creative force to be reckoned with.

And now? I’ve been out of treatment almost six months and I feel decidedly uncreative. I want to SCREAM I feel so uncreative. I want that creativity back. The ability to put a picture to an emotion, the ability to turn a phrase. I want to sit down and write and write and write and know that at the end of it I’ve done more than just describe what I did today. (Which, most days, involves amazon instant video and meals and snacks.)

I want it back. I want it so desperately that I am almost willing to entertain the idea of being “sick” again. Because “sick” = “creative”.

I know, logically, that it doesn’t. I know that I have more potential for creativity when I’m well, when all the neurons are firing, when my brain isn’t constantly under siege from malnutrition or moods.

I know that my eating disorder wasn’t the most exciting thing about me. I know.

I just feel so damned boring being well.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Stuck

  1. I’m sorry you’re experiencing a lull in your creativity. Unfortunately, this does seem similar to the stuck place that you mention in the last post. I really believe that you’ll feel a renewed sense of creativity if you just keep hanging onto the healthy things you’re doing. You have a million interesting and exciting things about you, none of which are the eating disorder. It may take some time to fully reconnect with those things, but trust me–they’re there! Good luck to you!

  2. Please consider the fact that it is not health, stability, or meds that is leaving you feeling blocked creatively but that maybe its because your in school!

    Srsly.

    I mean, we all know that (or wait maybe it is just in groups I have been in) that when one reached recovering a sense of flatness and boredom happens because we are so full of life being SO dramatic. Such highs! Such lows! Such insanity. But then (so I have heard) you reach a place where the highs and lows are sort of mellow… little bumps. In time? I believe that one reached a place where they are so used to the good life that we are unable to tolerate the old drama up/down. We will wonder how the f*ck we even survived.

    so yeah… your in school and that is draining your mentals and then outside that you have stability. Your creativity is still alive… you are just adjusting right now. ?

  3. This is very normal. I’ve experienced it myself. As a writer, I was (am?) sometimes afraid my illnesses fuel my creativity. I mean, I wrote some very poignant pieces while starving/depressed/anxious.

    But I also spent stretches of time writing and re-writing about how depressed I was, how I wanted to die, how fat I was, how lonely it felt… I think if you really look back, you might find that you weren’t as creative during times of illness as you think you were. Eating disorders make us very self-centered, and it definitely is not the most interesting thing about you!

    At times, recovery can feel, too… too normal. Too boring. But I wouldn’t trade the stability I’m gaining for the maelstrom of those times. Ever.

    • Thanks, Angela. I’ve been avoiding old journals because I’ve been afraid of triggers, but I think I might finally be at a place where I can read them and discover exactly what you state: lots of writing and rewriting about how much I wanted to die, how fat I was, how disgusting I was, etc.
      I appreciate your input!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s