13 Days

Exactly 2 weeks from this moment, I will be in Utah having just completed my first dinner of treatment.  I will be waiting in line for vitals and anxiously awaiting the hour that I can finally change into pajama pants.  I will be choking down my calcium supplement on a too-full stomach and trying my hardest not to fight with the nurse on duty about the utter lack of necessity of such a supplement.

I haven’t had much in the way of words lately.  I am exhausted.  Tired all the time.  Drinking diet soda like it is a life line.  You may as well just put an IV in. 

This week has been particularly rough, having begun with a night of panic on Monday after flashbacks invaded my brain for over an hour.  I shook, cried, jumped at any noise, had to keep a light on in my room, and tried my hardest to not even blink, for fear of the images that might appear in those dark moments.  I hate that I have to make it through an entire weekend (and a holiday weekend at that) before I can hash all this out with my therapist.

With every day closer to treatment, my self-harm urges are rising, no doubt due to the additional anxiety and the knowledge that I won’t be able to do these things when I arrive.  I’m trying to hang on, but man alive — it is not easy.

It’s happening too quickly and not nearly quickly enough.


4 thoughts on “13 Days

  1. I totally feel for you, hate that things are so hard. Treatment sucks, but you deserve health and life and all the wonderful things that come with it. All the best, K

  2. I am praying for you Jess and hoping for the best of whatever you want life to bring you. You are a beautiful young lady and you deserve happiness and joy. I pray that you will find those things soon. Please take care of yourself.

  3. Is there anyway you can get a sooner appointment with your therapist? I imagine it is hard to get worked in, but it might help. Or what about journaling? Does that help get it out so it’s not running around in your brain? Sometimes it helps me. Sometimes it makes it worse. Love you and praying for you.

  4. I’m sorry things have been so rough. Hopefully treatment will help you keep moving forward and get some relief from these feelings. Seems like a really good and courageous step. Thinking of you and hoping the pain eases soon!

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