The Weight Restoration Mindfuck

I gained weight this week.  Not much.  Certainly not as much as if I were in PHP or residential or inpatient, where they expect you to put on multiple pounds each week.  My dietitian was, on the whole, unimpressed.

And me?  Well, let’s ask the two conflicting sides of my brain.

Rational Brain, what do you think of this weight gain?

This is good!  It’s still not even close to where you need to be, but it’s inching closer and it’s making progress.  And hey, weren’t you worried that you were going to have to eat more if you *didn’t* gain?

Eating disorder brain, what do you think about this weight gain?

Well, thank God it wasn’t more, you fat ass.  You’d better watch out or you’re not going to be able to fit through the doorway pretty soon.  Sure, it starts out with fractions, but then it becomes multiple pounds and then you’re fucked.  Do better, work harder kid.  You should still be losing at this stage in the game.  Or at least maintaining, you fucking idiot.

So, as you can see, gaining weight is wrong.  And right.  And good.  And horrible!  And all of these things at once!  My brain is tired and it’s only been 2 hours since my appointment.

I don’t want to eat any more.  I don’t want to gain weight.  I want to huddle in my room and cry over this small gain.  I want to run to the gym and burn off a few hundred calories immediately.

But weight restoration is good.  Vital.  Good.  Vital.  I just need to keep reminding myself of that.



Don’t let the smile fool you.  It’s really hard to be happy about this sort of thing.


12 thoughts on “The Weight Restoration Mindfuck

  1. I have been having this EXACT same conversation in my head with weight restoration lately. Painful, hopeful, it all gets muddled up. But it sounds like your attitude and motivation are there to keep working hard despite how uncomfortable and upsetting it is. I absolutely love your sign! Very good inspiration for me too right now, so thanks for posting it! And keep on fighting hard for recovery–you can do this!

    • Alie, I’m working on a second page of even MORE reasons to weight restore — I’ll be sure to post it when I finish it (it needs some colour at the moment).
      You can do this, too!

  2. Jess,
    It is so hard yet so necessary. I’m at the same point. I was asked by my therapist today if I was ready for treatment if I didn’t get my act together and start fighting on my own. I can’t afford treatment now – work and timing, let alone finances. And then there’s the double-sided brain saying ‘yes, you need it’ vs hell no, no way!’ I guess I’m saying I get it and it definitely sucks. I’m right there with you. :/

    • I definitely think that gaining weight outpatient is far harder than doing so inpatient or residential. For one, you always have the option of acting on behaviours if you start to feel uncomfortable for the weight.
      I will, however, say that if things don’t get better, I would highly recommend treatment. CFC was a life saver for me and Mercy Ministries (free!) was very helpful for my friend in healing her ED.

      Hang in there!

  3. Keep fighting, Jess. You are so worth it, and I’m praying for you. In other news, you remind me of Princess Leia in that photo. ;)

    • Heh. There are probably worse people to be compared to than Carrie Fisher (pre drugs, alcohol, and rehab please). Thanks for the prayers. I just put a letter in the mail for you today!

  4. Reason weight restoration is vital: so you can once again kick my ass in word games and restore balance to the universe!

    Because it would be a tragedy to let your brilliant mind suffer and atrophy.

    • It’s true. The universe is seriously off-balance after your last two wins in Bananagrams.

      Don’t worry. I’ll be kicking your ass again in no time. ;-)

    • You’re right about that — for a long time I was diagnosed ED-NOS and did not have to weight restore. I certainly didn’t mean to imply that everyone in recovery from an eating disorder necessarily needs to gain weight. However, at this point in MY story, it is the truth for me and one that I struggle with.

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