Secrets and Questions

My HealthyPlace blog this week is about Secrets in Eating Disorder Recovery.  Ohhhhhhh, how my eating disorder loves secrets.  I could ramble on for thirty minutes with secrets that my eating disorder is currently keeping, but if I do that, how will I ever hang on to my eating disorder?!  Which, as my team has pointed out lately, some portion of me is damned determined to do.

Current secrets:

  • I’ve lost every pound I gained in Utah (and maybe a little more).
  • I’ve been on exercise restriction since November, yet still find myself in the gym 3-5 days a week.
  • I keep a box of laxatives in my car.  I don’t use them, but it’s nice to know there’s the option.
  • I’m ace at “meeting” my exchanges while choosing the lowest calorie options possible.
  • I’m still counting calories.
  • I (my eating disorder?) get insanely excited every time my dietitian weighs me and I’m down a little more.


How’s that for honesty?

In other news…

My friend (and music video co-star) Jill over at Lost and Not Found has been having a lot of fun with creating vlogs lately.  You should seriously check out her hand puppet one because it makes me laugh every time.  EVERY. TIME.

She did one this week with Frequently Asked Questions that she gets from readers of her blog.  She gets frequently asked questions?!  She has clearly made it to the big time.  Why don’t you guys ask me questions?!  Lame-o.

Kidding.  But really.  I want to join in the fun and make a vlog with FAQs.  So ask some questions you’ve been dying to know the answer to (they don’t have to be relevant to anything!).  I’m a fairly open book and slightly narcissistic to boot.

Fire away!


9 thoughts on “Secrets and Questions

  1. Im trying to be more honest and less secretive too (hence my blog Lets Be Honest…) So I applaud your courage in revealing those secrets, and I don’t have an judgement or negativity as a result of it. It’s all good.

  2. Oh Jess.
    You have such an amazing poker face…
    as do we all. “Us” types.
    I wonder why we hide so….fear of what? Disappointment in ourselves? Fear because we feel trapped? OR Fear of the disappointing in others.

    I forgot to share your site on my last blog post but I’ll get to it.

    • Missy,
      In my case, the fear is less about disappointing people (though there is plenty of that, too!) and more about losing the one thing I’ve ever felt “successful” doing. And a lot of fear of actually having to face real life. Worry about calories and pounds and workouts is far easier, you know?

  3. Thanks for the shout-out! Umm…questions.
    1) Are you a vegan or a vegetarian? What is your reasoning? (Is it ED fueled or relating to some morals or just a taste thing?
    2)How’s the no smoking going?
    3) How’s the no alcohol going?
    4) How did you get to be so awesome?
    5) On a daily basis, do you hate the struggle that is ED, or do you appreciate the struggle for what it’s taught you? (PS your blog on the Struggle, is one of my favorites that you’ve written on a Wilderness Love Story. I think about it a lot.)

    You can feel free to use some or all or none of the above questions. I’m anxiously awaiting your vlog. Personally, I am loving vlogging, but having a hard time coming up concepts for vlogs.

    • Jill –
      Since you are the only one who has asked questions, they will all be featured on my vlog! Which I will hopefully get around to tomorrow? I’m trying to give people a chance to get their questions in under the wire, ya know?

      • Has this vlog come out yet? Will it be on this page or will it be on your healthy place blog?

  4. I’m worried about you, jess. your secrets are serious, and I don’t think you’re taking them seriously. you did this a lot pre treatment: divulge a ton, then have no interest on working on them.
    your secrets raise huge red flags and I wonder how close you are to being fully back in your ED.

    • V,
      Your points are very, very valid. I’ve spent a lot of time in the past few days wondering exactly where I’m going to go now that I’ve revealed these secrets. You’re right — they ARE serious. In all reality, my behaviours and thought patterns don’t look a lot different than they did just before I went inpatient. And if I’m determined to stay out of treatment (and I am), then I’ve got to make some serious changes.

      (P.S. Start blogging again! I miss creepily stalking your life from afar!)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s