Oh, Hell

I have to check-in with my therapist AND dietitian every day now, so why not throw some words up on the blog, too, yeah?

I am too tired for words.  My depression and anxiety are worse than they’ve been in at least 4 months.  (And yes, I am taking my meds.)

I feel completely fragile, a fact that was confirmed by my therapist today when she said she was really afraid of what would happen if I didn’t get into a graduate program.  I worry, too.  I like to think that I’ll just bounce back, say, “Hey, there’s always next year!” but my track record for dealing with disappointment isn’t particularly impressive.

I could practically see the gears turning in my therapist’s head as she tried to decide if I would need to be hospitalized in that situation, at what point she would force that issue.

I feel very, very alone.  I can’t explain it and it doesn’t make sense, but it is there.  It is not so much a physical loneliness as the type of loneliness that comes from not having any one around understand, the loneliness of constantly having to put on the mask because it makes it easier for others.

I want these emotions to go away.

I want to be clean, empty, numb.

I’ve run out of words.

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