Rethinking and Relearning

I’ve been home for almost 2 weeks now. I am, to be frank, exhausted. I tried to chalk up some of it to jet lag, but after about 5 days, that excuse seemed to be ridiculous. Then I finally figured it out: Real life is hard!

I had the same experience when I came back from Florida last year and I know that it will abate eventually. It has to do with how much more active I am in my real life versus my treatment life. Treatment is tiring, don’t get me wrong. If you’ve been in treatment at any level of care, but especially inpatient or residential, you understand what I mean. You are constantly feeling. Good grief, there is SO MUCH emoting going on. And you’re perpetually surrounded by 20+ women who are also emoting constantly. So emotionally — very tired. But physically? Not so much.

You get to do yoga and pilates once a week, Rimba/Nia once a week, and take a walk when it’s not too God-awful hot. If you’re lucky (and I was not so lucky for much of my stay, as I was attached to a wheelchair and/or a tube), you get to walk up and down the stairs to group. But for approximately eighty billion hours a day, you are sitting on your butt in a chair, just emoting. (Or, at the beginning of your time, trying to stay present enough to understand what’s going on.)

So coming back to a real life where I have to go to work, walk the dog (well, I don’t *have* to do that, but I do like it), plan meals, and budget things is a little overwhelming. Oh, and I still have weekly therapy and dietary appointments. So I’m emoting, I’m physically more tired (and slightly anemic), and I’m just trying to relearn my life.

I know this transition period lasts, and that eventually this will feel like my life again. Right now, though, it seems surreal and not quite mine. I feel like I’m not ready for it — like I should still be in a locked ward and being forced to eat three meals and three snacks a day. (For the record, I am doing a piss poor job of squeezing in three meals and three snacks on my own.)

I’m trying to have a little grace for myself. I spent my evening with my family, eating dinner (steak, baby) and watching football and “Chopped.” I took a walk with my sister and her dog. I ended with a bubble bath and reading. Now, a short blog to say hello and that I’ve missed you all.

And to say that I’ve been rethinking the direction of my blog. Obviously, I want it more recovery-oriented, even when I’m struggling. (Somebody remind me of this when I’m struggling, yeah?) I also just want to talk about LIFE more. About things that matter to me – about things that I’d forgotten that mattered to me.

In short, I want this blog to be more about me and less about my ED – cuz that sucker is taking a back seat.

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5 thoughts on “Rethinking and Relearning

  1. Good for you, taking the wheel and telling ED to step back. I am so proud of you and wish you all the best. You are the author of your own life make it a best seller! Praying for you as always.
    Lisa Reed …..i am kim’s mom

  2. I remember that exhaustion. It does get better but sometimes I still find myself exhausted. However it is 1000x’s better than just sitting, thinking and fighting the process and/or authority all day long. And I love the idea of turning your blog into a blog about life. I try to do that and of course it naturally gravitates back towards my past because it is a part of my journey but overall it is about my life in recovery. Let me know if you need to chat or anything. I have been where you have been and I know how overwhelming, hard and also exhilarating it can be.

    -Kate

  3. OF COURSE you are exhausted. Natural.

    Just keep reminding yourself of that — it is easy to forget when the going gets overwhelming. Then we berate ourselves for being — incapable…incompetent…scared…

    Like this —-> ” I feel like I’m not ready for it —”
    Well that is hog washed straight from the crazy brains wrong and you know it. Its just the mind (devil) playing trix and lucky charms. Trying to make us a silly rabbit and the escaping Leprachaun.

    AW HAIL NAH!!
    We do what we want. We eat what we want — grownazz rabbits eat trix too.
    And try as you may to get after us “they’re after me lucky charms” psshhht — we ain’t scurrreddd.

    So keep on giving you grace (exceptwhenitcomestomealplansorryandyouknowthis) and doingeach next right thing. Each Day. Each Moment. Each snack.

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