I’ve been home for almost 2 weeks now. I am, to be frank, exhausted. I tried to chalk up some of it to jet lag, but after about 5 days, that excuse seemed to be ridiculous. Then I finally figured it out: Real life is hard!
I had the same experience when I came back from Florida last year and I know that it will abate eventually. It has to do with how much more active I am in my real life versus my treatment life. Treatment is tiring, don’t get me wrong. If you’ve been in treatment at any level of care, but especially inpatient or residential, you understand what I mean. You are constantly feeling. Good grief, there is SO MUCH emoting going on. And you’re perpetually surrounded by 20+ women who are also emoting constantly. So emotionally — very tired. But physically? Not so much.
You get to do yoga and pilates once a week, Rimba/Nia once a week, and take a walk when it’s not too God-awful hot. If you’re lucky (and I was not so lucky for much of my stay, as I was attached to a wheelchair and/or a tube), you get to walk up and down the stairs to group. But for approximately eighty billion hours a day, you are sitting on your butt in a chair, just emoting. (Or, at the beginning of your time, trying to stay present enough to understand what’s going on.)
So coming back to a real life where I have to go to work, walk the dog (well, I don’t *have* to do that, but I do like it), plan meals, and budget things is a little overwhelming. Oh, and I still have weekly therapy and dietary appointments. So I’m emoting, I’m physically more tired (and slightly anemic), and I’m just trying to relearn my life.
I know this transition period lasts, and that eventually this will feel like my life again. Right now, though, it seems surreal and not quite mine. I feel like I’m not ready for it — like I should still be in a locked ward and being forced to eat three meals and three snacks a day. (For the record, I am doing a piss poor job of squeezing in three meals and three snacks on my own.)
I’m trying to have a little grace for myself. I spent my evening with my family, eating dinner (steak, baby) and watching football and “Chopped.” I took a walk with my sister and her dog. I ended with a bubble bath and reading. Now, a short blog to say hello and that I’ve missed you all.
And to say that I’ve been rethinking the direction of my blog. Obviously, I want it more recovery-oriented, even when I’m struggling. (Somebody remind me of this when I’m struggling, yeah?) I also just want to talk about LIFE more. About things that matter to me – about things that I’d forgotten that mattered to me.
In short, I want this blog to be more about me and less about my ED – cuz that sucker is taking a back seat.