Sneaky, Sneaky

I’m sneaking onto the internet (and hopefully will not be found out and phase dropped for my last 2 days) to give you guys an update (again).  Man, have I missed you guys.  Both my “in person” people and my “blog world” people.  I am so incredibly grateful for this strange little community we’ve formed across via the world wide web and so amazed that I haven’t scared you all off yet!
Ha! Kidding!  Around here, that sort of negative self-talk would require two positive affirmations, so here are mine:

*I have a strong body that is capable of doing amazing things
*I am learning to accept my “flaws” as things that make me unique

Now, where four moons ago, just coming up with those affirmations would have been in possible, I can now say them AND believe them.  Crazy, right?  We have a joke around here when we do something that showcases our intelligence or humour or anything other positive quality:  “Oh, the wonders of nutrition!”
And it’s true.  I am a different person than I walked in 4 months ago.  I think differently, speak differently, react differently.  I’ve changed a lot.  So has my body, of course.  I’m not in love with my body right now, in fact, I’m not even really in like with it.  I am disgusted and dismayed that I am going on a “social” outing on Monday which is basically just a trip where we have to go buy clothes and wear them and eat out like normal people.  Or, attempt to act like normal people for 4 hours.  In some ways I’m excited (as I am anytime I can leave the building), in others I’m terrified.  
My first shopping trip after weight restoration did not go well, to put it lightly.  I freaked out at the knowledge of the changes in my size and punched a cement wall.  About 30 times.  For those of you familiar with CFC, this got me a 3 day stay on Caution, which for those of you unfamiliar, is basically three days of being shunned by the community.  No, seriously.  But that’s for another blog post.
I’m looking forward to the day when I can finally feel something *positive* about my body.  My therapist keeps telling me that when I’m trying on clothes at stores or getting in or out of the shower, I need to be facing away from mirrors.  Is that even realistic?  Is that the way it is going to have to be forever?  Am I always going to plagued with the thought, “But if I could just lose 5 pounds, X part of my body would be better!”?
I certainly hope not.  They say the body image and, as my therapist put it today, “slight body dysmorphia,” is the last to go of the eating disorder.  That sometimes it can take up to a year or more to recover some sense of reality about the size and shape of your body and to not let that affect your day or eating.  It seems so foreign to me and yet I know people who have DONE it, who are DOING it, who are “fighting the good fight” day in and day out and kicking ass.  One day, I hope that will be me.
I’m so excited for the next year and seeing where it will bring me.  I’m looking at grad schools, wondering if that’s even a possibility, wondering what I want to do with the rest of my life.  It’s always seemed as if it would end imminently, but that’s no longer the case.  The future is wide open.
In fact, the only date on the calendar in the next year is a huge party on May 24:  the day I finally CHOSE recovery.   And I haven’t looked back since.

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8 thoughts on “Sneaky, Sneaky

  1. HOOORAYYYY! An amazing post, absolutely amazing. So amazing that I wish I did not overuse the word “amazing” about trivial things sometimes so that it would have more of an impact here.
    I can’t wait until you come home!

  2. This was music to my ears…err..eyes…no. HEART.

    Girl? YOU GOT THIS.

    I love –>“Oh, the wonders of nutrition!”
    Hails Yes!

    And that promise? Of restoration if we keep trucking and EATING! Heck…how many years have we lost. One year of ridiculous mind illusions and tricks ain’t got nothing on us. YOU are an inspiration. You can do this. Is anything to hard for God? I dare you to tell him yes. I dare you.

    Nope, right? Words do not come..because we now.

  3. I’m glad to be reading this. It is wonderful that you have afforded yourself with this care. You did choose and in that choosing, you allowed something new. It’s nice to have something new that eventually becomes part of the next.

    I hope for you continued strength, belief, grace and light as you venture on.

    Yaya for you!

    Be well.

  4. Gah, I’m so excited for you, Jess! I’ve heard that the body dysmorphia is the last to go as well, and because of my experience with it, I can understand why. But I can hear hope even in your writing, Jess, and this makes me really happy. I can’t wait to talk to you again soon and to hear about your CFC adventures – only if you want to share of course :)

  5. I am so so so so happy to read this! you are totally inspiring me right now, awesome job!!! It’s okay to not love your body, lots of people don’t! The important thing is that you’re happy and functional and living again! GREAT job, can’t wait to hear more about treatment and all your recovery exploits!

  6. I am so so proud of You Jessica!! You have accomplished so so much, and I know how hard it was but you did it! And you are doing it :) And it is awesome :)

    <3 Can't wait to hear from you again soon!!

    Scott

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