Captain Subtext

I worked for an hour and a half today, which is also precisely the amount of time it takes me to drive to and from work.  And by “worked” I mean “stared mindlessly at the computer refreshing gmail and facebook” and doing little else.  I finally went home and just took a sick day, where “sick” means “unable to deal with the fact that I am alive, much less awake.”  I went back to sleep as soon as I got home.

Maybe I pushed it too hard at the gym the other day.  Maybe the depression is worse again.  Maybe my immune system has finally just decided to quit playing this game and I am stricken with some sort of funk.  My entire body aches, I am cold all the time, my stomach is in knots.  I am on the porch in 70 degree weather in three layers of clothing, huddled on the chair, chain-smoking to avoid eating.  My body feels heavy and difficult to move, not in the sense that I feel “fat” (or, at least, any more “fat” than normal), but in the sense that it is just too much of an effort to reach across my body to the ashtray, so the ashes fall at my feet.

I want to sleep for the next week.  I want to avoid life and people and sunlight.  I want to forget that all of this is happening.

Ten days from now, I’ll be in Utah.  I don’t want to go.  I don’t want my parents to waste their money.  I promised I would be compliant and “work the program” but I don’t know how in the heck I’m going to do that when I”m struggling to choke down two mini-meals a day.

I want to run away, but hardly have the energy to make some sort of daring escape.  So I curl up in my dark room, hoping for sleep, hoping that I don’t wake up.

Or, perhaps, to wake up and find myself in mid-2009 and all of the past three years were just some sort of extended nightmare.

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5 thoughts on “Captain Subtext

  1. I don’t know if where you are headed is the Center for Change but if you are I can promise you that it will be worth it. They gave me my life back. I am going to be forever greatfull to them.

    • Kate,
      Yes – I’m headed to Center for Change on the 23rd. I’m completely and utterly freaked, but both you and another friend of mine had wonderful things to say about it, so I guess I’ll give it a shot.
      Jess

  2. i’ve been to center for change also, and they also saved my life. i hope that you will be able to find the peace that i found there. i also know many others people who were thankful to have gone there. but like any treatment center, you also have to work the program for it to be a success. but the love and caring i felt there was incredible and soooooooo much different (and better) than the previous treatment center i had been too. i wish you so much luck in this journey and i hope that cfc will give you your life back as it did mine <3

  3. Oh, Jess, I’m so glad you are going to treatment–especially if this is how you are feeling. Friend, you are feeling malnourished and depressed. Treatment is there for helping you to stop feeling both of these things. I have heard great things about CFC and like the girls above said, if you are willing to put forth effort, I imagine this could be a wonderful place for you. I’ll call you before you head out because I want to talk about the details and what goals you are setting so I can encourage you along the way. XOXO

  4. Deep breath. This is worth it, and will be a good thing, I know it will be!

    Stay strong, I am with you all the way <3

    P.S. I didn't connect your name with your blog on facebook! I am making you something right now and I will be sending it soon <3

    Much love!

    Scott

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