I just ate my first full (aka:  Renfrew/dietitian-approved) meal in I can’t even tell you how long.  I’ve eaten more today than I think I did the entire week I was in the hospital.  I’m trying to sit with it, but *damn* it is not easy.  

But my point is:  I ate a full meal.  So….I’m cured, right?

If only.

One meal isn’t going to fix it.  So while I can maybe wrap my head around eating one meal, it is the thought all the meals that follow that completely freaks me out.  It is the thought of all the pounds that stand between me and my normal, healthy weight that cause my stomach to turn.  (Okay, so there might be some pills involved in that, too.)

I’m one of those people who had enough of a period of recovery at one point to know what her set point is.  I actually managed to eat normally and intuitively, exercise in moderation, and just generally enjoy life.  For almost a YEAR, people.  In fact, it wasn’t until my grandmother died in 2009 that I had any thought of my eating disorder – and within 9 months, I was too stuck in hell to know how to get out.

But I digress – I know what my set point is.  And, friends, this ain’t it.  

In some regards, it is comforting to know where my body will naturally rest.  In others, it is not at ALL comforting.  It means that I know exactly how many pounds I will gain if I ever hope to reach a full recovery.  It means that I am going to have to watch that scale go up, up, up all over again and try to deal with the fact that my set point is naturally higher than whatever crock of an “ideal weight” the BMI might tell me is minimally acceptable for my height.  

I am going to have to gain all of this stupid weight all over again and I just don’t know that I can bring myself to do it.

Even if it means that I can be this happy, this healthy, this normal all over again:

(Okay, maybe “normal” is a stretch…)



12 thoughts on “Set

  1. Is that you in the picture? You look so happy and goofy and healthy. And did I mention beautiful and slender and not even remotely fat? That’s interesting about set point – I’ve actually never been the weight that my teams wants, which is terrifying because I felt obese at a significantly lower weight, but it is also sort of intriguing to think about this magical place where I’ll be able to eat what I want and not count calories and not worry about gaining or losing from one day to the next. Anyway, would it help to think about getting back to being the girl in the picture after the yucky gaining part is over? I think sometimes the most difficult part is just starting, which you’ve already done with that one meal (congrats on that by the way!) Keep it up and take care, you can do this!

    • Jess, I agree with Kaylee. You are beautiful at any weight, but the most beautiful thing is a healthy, happy person.

    • Yeah, I’m a total goofball. It helps a little to think about the parts of my personality I gain when I am healthy, but so terrifying to think of the weight. It should be noted that I sifted through a dozen pictures trying to find the one where I look least fat. It was such a happy birthday, but it is SO hard to look at the pictures because all I see is fat. (Rather ironically, at the time, I thought I was looking pretty fit!)

  2. i’m proud of you for that one meal girl…
    i’m happy that you are somewhat facing your fears by acknowledging them.
    i know that is the first step — because my fears…i can’t even talk or think about it without getting an anxiety attack.

      • YES! Want to come to a stargazing party tonight with me and my third graders?? (And Jill, Bryan and Abi!) Meet us at my school parking lot at 8:15! : )

  3. the greatest recovery advice came from my dear friend on a day when I was crying as I ate and anxious out the wazoo. with every bite, think of a blessing. I was amazed at how many bites I ended up taking that day simply because I wanted to thank God for one more thing. It has made the difference for me more times than I can count. When all I really want to do is cry and never eat again, I make sure to count my blessings instead of bites. It may sound cheesy but I swear by all that is holy that that advice has carried me through many times. Love you girl. Praying for you DAILY! And I’m proud of you for getting through that meal. Recovery comes one meal at a time, sometimes one bite at a time.

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