My friend Brandy is doing a daily blog project throughout December and today’s assignment was to create a piece of art. And while I love art, I’m no artist. My art pieces tend to be childish at best, and totally lame at worst. I’ll leave it up to you as to where on that continuum this piece falls.
I have for a while wanted to do a series of art pieces on what I believe recovery to be: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This is not one of those pieces, incidentally. This is more of a…..er, process piece. It’s a piece where I’m working through my totally mixed feelings on recovery and trying to decide if the loooooooooooong road ahead of me through some awful emotions is really worth it for the things I stand to gain.
In other news, I may be off to inpatient treatment before the year is over. I found a program that takes my insurance, I’m just waiting for the final word as to what other information they need from me and how long they expect I’ll be staying. The great thing about this program is that I can do the entire process from start to finish (inpatient, residential, PHP, outpatient) at this one facility and maintain continuity of care (same team!) for the duration of my treatment. I feel like this is a vast improvement over switching therapists and dietitians every six weeks when I change levels of care, which is essentially what I’ve been doing this year.
I’m still ambivalent about the whole thing and positively terrified of gaining weight. I mean, I realize this is a part of the disease, seeing as it is one of the major diagnostic criteria, but I just can’t imagine a day when I’ll be OKAY at this weight, much less at my set point (which is a significant number of pounds higher). I’m deeply saddened to have to leave my job, but strangely comforted by the idea that I don’t have to deal with anything but supplements, meals, and therapy groups for the next three months. I am driven to obsession with the idea of getting as low as possible before admission, but worried about what that will mean for a chest that already hurts on a daily basis.
I am going to miss my friends and family terribly while I’m gone.
But how much am I missing already by living this half-life?