work in progress

My friend Brandy is doing a daily blog project throughout December and today’s assignment was to create a piece of art.  And while I love art, I’m no artist.  My art pieces tend to be childish at best, and totally lame at worst.  I’ll leave it up to you as to where on that continuum this piece falls.

I have for a while wanted to do a series of art pieces on what I believe recovery to be:  physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  This is not one of those pieces, incidentally.  This is more of a…..er, process piece.  It’s a piece where I’m working through my totally mixed feelings on recovery and trying to decide if the loooooooooooong road ahead of me through some awful emotions is really worth it for the things I stand to gain.

In other news, I may be off to inpatient treatment before the year is over.  I found a program that takes my insurance, I’m just waiting for the final word as to what other information they need from me and how long they expect I’ll be staying.  The great thing about this program is that I can do the entire process from start to finish (inpatient, residential, PHP, outpatient) at this one facility and maintain continuity of care (same team!) for the duration of my treatment.  I feel like this is a vast improvement over switching therapists and dietitians every six weeks when I change levels of care, which is essentially what I’ve been doing this year.

I’m still ambivalent about the whole thing and positively terrified of gaining weight.  I mean, I realize this is a part of the disease, seeing as it is one of the major diagnostic criteria, but I just can’t imagine a day when I’ll be OKAY at this weight, much less at my set point (which is a significant number of pounds higher).  I’m deeply saddened to have to leave my job, but strangely comforted by the idea that I don’t have to deal with anything but supplements, meals, and therapy groups for the next three months.  I am driven to obsession with the idea of getting as low as possible before admission, but worried about what that will mean for a chest that already hurts on a daily basis.

I am going to miss my friends and family terribly while I’m gone.

But how much am I missing already by living this half-life?

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8 thoughts on “work in progress

  1. I love you in the deepest part of my heart and it aches for your recovery. You are beautiful, lovely, strong, inspiring, and made in God’s image. And I see Jesus in you! Thank you for fighting for your life. You are so worth it!

  2. Hey I’m Ellie (@)l(@) <—those are eyes haha
    I am a born again Christian as well still fighting with my ED. The past few years have been hard and sometimes I feel like giving into everything. I go up and down with weight and self obsess frequently sometimes, and never others. Sometimes I can even convince myself that I am normal. I just recently stopped seeing my therapist (right after an appointment where she suggested a higher level of care) and am attempting recovery more on my own. I can't deal with the quilt I feel when I know my parents and I are paying for treatments and I don't feel motivated.
    So I went to the next best thing: My pastor at church. We talked for a long time and he asked me this: "If the thing you fear most came true (i.e. gaining X lbs or flunking out of school etc) where would you be at?" Answer "God would have a new path for you. He has a plan and it all fits, you just need to believe in that and maintain your FOCUS even if it's hard."

    I don't know if that helps at all, but it's been helping me out with my compulsions.

    Good Luck! :)

  3. I struggled with an eating disorder a few years back. I was one of the few who was able to fight it on their own. I pray that this treatment center will be the answer for you and that you will be cured inside and out.
    Much love,
    Sophia.

  4. Dammit, I just sent your present off. I hope it gets to you before you leave for treatment, Jess. I love you and I’m so happy to hear this place is taking your insurance. Hallelujah! Here’s to Fre(ED)om. Cheers <3

  5. Jess, I’m so sorry you’re struggling, but hopefully the treatment plan will fall into place. The program sounds like a good option, and maybe it’s what you need right now. Life will always be there for you when you get out and are healthy.

    Please please please take care of yourself in the meantime. Best of luck, I’m rooting for you!

  6. I love your artwork <3

    I think it is really great that you found a place that insurance will cover. I know it will be hard to go and leave friends, family, and comfort of home, but you are 100% right that there is so much more out there for you than that half life you are living now!

    I am so proud of you for fighting ED with all you have <3

    Love and prayers

    Scott

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