Desire of my Heart

There has been one constant through my years.  One thing that was always there through suicidal depressions, upheaval at home, trauma, high-flying manias, new jobs and new apartments, years of an eating disorder and treatment.  One thing that I have always loved beyond my ability to express and one thing that I have always wanted more than anything else.

I want to write.

I have, at times, entertained this as a career option.  I have investigated writing programs, investigated ways to make this thing pay the bills.  I always come back to the same thing:  I’m just not good enough.  Even if I could, by some miracle, get paid for my writing, I’d probably be writing about things I hardly care about:  school board meetings, political debates, random local policies. 

I want to write about things I care about.  I want to write and make people outside this thing understand the torture that we with eating disorders live with every day.  I want to write and encourage people out of the wilderness, into a land flowing with milk and honey and macaroni and cheese and dessert.  I want to do all of this, of course, while firmly remaining planted in my eating disorder.

I thought about finding a way to be a travel writer.  The premise being that I would travel to exotic places, write reviews of hotels and restaurants (ha!), show people the beauty that exists outside their little corner of the world and encourage them to explore on their own.  Obviously, I cannot possibly write about exotic locations if I never actually go there.  I cannot write about places I have never been.  I have to pack the bags, pull out the passport and step foot into the unknown.

So how could I possibly write about the things I care about if I’m not willing to step foot outside my “comfortable” eating disordered existence?  How can I make people understand my experience if I am still in the experience, where it is too raw, too emotional, too muddled to put words to?  How can I encourage people to travel to a recovery that I have never seen and never experienced?

Just the thought of packing those proverbial bags (or, perhaps, in this case – throwing some of them out) and traveling with no guide map and no assurance of arrival is terrifying.  So, too, is the idea of being lost and confused and out of my element for days or weeks or months (or years) at a time. 

All for the hope that the place I land is better than the place I am.


So I want to write – but do I want it enough? 


4 thoughts on “Desire of my Heart

  1. I’m pretty sure you just wrote the conversation I have had recently with Hubby. Weird. It was like you were me there for a second! I think you are a great writer and I love the honesty and openness you give. I love that people who have never been through this can for a moment understand what it is like by your honest depiction of the emotions of the hell we walk through. Don’t give up on that dream to write. It would be a loss to the rest of the world if you didn’t share your insight. Keep writing. Even if it is just to say how you feel right now. Even that is an important step in keeping your dream alive. And keeping your dream alive is a very important step in keeping YOU alive. And we all need beautiful you!

  2. Maybe you should practice “packing your bags” and keeping them by the door and just look at them from time to time…so “leaving” is always on your mind.

    Then maybe you start practicing carrying your luggage around the house, maybe it’s not too heavy, maybe you realize how strong you are.

    Maybe it IS too heavy and so you can only carry it to the kitchen and back every other day.

    But pack your bags and keep them packed.
    This is not your final destination.

    Now too bad living out of a suitcase with travel-size hygeine products and cheap coffee is so comfortable for us. That’s no way to live! Why are we compromising our lives!


    PS- You are an awesome writer.

  3. Hi Jess – I say, go for it! You are an incredible writer – candid, raw, funny, and eloquent. If you can make the career logistics work, the rest will take care of itself. You have such a strong voice that anyone would be lucky to read. I’m also wimpy about stepping outside my comfort zone, but sometimes the best stuff happens by taking risks.

    Good luck and take care, I hope things are looking up for you.

  4. I believe you can do this Jess :] And I know that you will accomplish this, and your eating disorder can not stand in the way!

    Don’t ever doubt your abilities, you are an awesome writer! You can do this <3

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