Lest you think I’ve been allowing my eating disorder to totally control the show, I thought I’d share some art I created this week. This one began with just the figure, but quickly developed into the chaos and all-consuming fire that is the ED brain. I’m sure my roommate thought I was insane as she watched me paint it, but it was so cathartic to get those thoughts out of my head for once.
I took today and tried to regroup, but found it difficult to do. I had an hour-long phone assessment that ended with me being more sure than ever that I’m not sick enough for treatment. Despite that, I attempted to call Renfrew and get an assessment for next week when I’m home. I left a voicemail, but haven’t gotten a call back. In the midst of all of this, I found out my coworker was fired today. So I spent the afternoon with her, trying to be as compassionate and uplifting as possible.
She left around 5, and I’ve spent the evening drinking, snacking, and painting. And sending text messages trying to figure out where my new room is on campus, since apparently everything is getting switched up. I’m honestly hoping that drinks and video games with my coworker turns into an invite to stay the night. Anything to avoid the reality of my life for another few hours.
I don’t want to quit my job, but any healthy voice I have continues to tell me that I can’t stay. I don’t feel like I have any right to quit. I’m not sick enough.