Painted Deserts

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Lest you think I’ve been allowing my eating disorder to totally control the show, I thought I’d share some art I created this week. This one began with just the figure, but quickly developed into the chaos and all-consuming fire that is the ED brain. I’m sure my roommate thought I was insane as she watched me paint it, but it was so cathartic to get those thoughts out of my head for once.

I took today and tried to regroup, but found it difficult to do. I had an hour-long phone assessment that ended with me being more sure than ever that I’m not sick enough for treatment. Despite that, I attempted to call Renfrew and get an assessment for next week when I’m home. I left a voicemail, but haven’t gotten a call back. In the midst of all of this, I found out my coworker was fired today. So I spent the afternoon with her, trying to be as compassionate and uplifting as possible.
She left around 5, and I’ve spent the evening drinking, snacking, and painting. And sending text messages trying to figure out where my new room is on campus, since apparently everything is getting switched up. I’m honestly hoping that drinks and video games with my coworker turns into an invite to stay the night. Anything to avoid the reality of my life for another few hours.
I don’t want to quit my job, but any healthy voice I have continues to tell me that I can’t stay. I don’t feel like I have any right to quit. I’m not sick enough.

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5 thoughts on “Painted Deserts

  1. “I considered that in another month, at this rate, I will definitely need a belt to hold them up. I have lost a full pants size since beginning my job a month and a half ago. And I loved it.
    The only time I’ve ever sort-of enjoyed shopping for clothes was when I was at my lowest weight. Yesterday was a glimpse of that. ”

    “I weigh less than I did when I left residential treatment, and far less than I did when I left treatment altogether at the end of June, but I’m by no means too thin. Yet my mind is totally obsessed with food and calories and exercise, and my behaviours are beginning to look more and more disordered.”

    “everything in my wise brain says I need to quit this job and go back into treatment.”

    “The eating disorder doesn’t even seem that bad right now – I just know it has the potential to get there, and get there quickly……some small part of me is morbidly curious. Could I get that low again?”

    “My behaviours and thoughts are the worst they’ve been since before I was in residential. My weight is steadily dropping. I’m beginning to see physical symptoms …I know an eating disorder has nothing to do with the weight, but I simply can’t imagine going back into treatment this fat.
    Honestly though – that’s the only reason I can come up with not to go.

    “My behaviours and thoughts are the worst they’ve been in over a year and I’m steadily dropping weight. My self-harm urges are through the roof, and I’m convinced the only reason I haven’t acted on them is because I’m currently on time off and able to drink myself into oblivion.”

    Listen to yourself, girl.
    Lots of love. Call me!

  2. Missy totally has a point. You know you’re “sick enough” just by what thoughts roam inside of that hell of a brain of yours. You have the intelligence and determination to do such good in this world, but you need to be healthy first, and READY. Don’t let Ed win, please.

  3. There is no “sick enough” for ED. I think that little voice telling you you should go to treatment, that’s your healthy voice. Listen to it, and don’t let it loose strength. The “not sick enough” doubts, those are all ED.

    I am so glad the painting was cathartic, and I know that you will get more of this type of opportunity to heal in the future <3

    Stay strong!

    Scott

  4. When D and I have a house we will host semi-monthly painting parties… whenever you are home. : ) Glad you are painting… even if the finished product is a bit – well – disturbing.

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