Crappy short phone post

Work is never-ending drama this week. I would love to say more, but honestly the situation(s) is(are) too complicated to deal with in a phone post. In a nutshell, and if you’re wondering how this is affecting me personally: I want to eat absolutely nothing.
Problematic, really, if I want to keep my job and stay out of treatment. Which, by the way, has been threatened if I lose any weight in the next two weeks. My dietician threatened this in our session on Thursday, right before the session where my therapist fired me. Again.
My therapist wants me to do DBT with another therapist in my city, with the goal of getting my behaviours under control and then eventually returning to see her. My thoughts? Yeah, right. I’m not really in the mood to start all over with a new therapist and definitely not going to bother with it if I’m going to be forced back into treatment in the near future anyway.
When I was home during my last “weekend” off, it felt like a two-day-long discussion of my weight. I know people mean well, and especially with my friends – I love and appreciate them for caring. But there are only so many times you can hear that you’ve lost too much weight/are too thin/are clearly sick again before it screws with your head.
I didn’t realize how much weight I’d lost in the past two weeks until I stepped on the scale before heading back to camp Thursday. Am I underweight? No. Am I down enough to throw up some red flags? Yes.
Add to this the fact that the boys have started commenting on my weight and size and I’m all sorts of screwy.  Add to this the fact that the pants I bought a week ago are already loose. Add to this the fact that the drama at work makes me think that losing my job wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I feel like I’m going for broke and have nothing to put on the brakes.


5 thoughts on “Crappy short phone post

  1. Hopefully we can chat soon. It doesn’t seem to me like you are struggling.
    It seems to me like you are just letting your luck run out (as you say). Am I right?
    Of course, you know I’m not judging…..just trying to be with you where you are at.
    Your ambivalence is actually a choice you are making you know?

    Anywhoo, lets chat next time off and I promise it wont be all ED talk.

  2. You know how one can go about sabotaging themselves because it is more familiar?

    Do you think you might be doing that because there are enough variables that can fit into that equation?

    I know I don’t comment often, but I read and always appreciate your willingness to share. What you have shared here, reflects something similar for me. So that is why I ask the questions – from a space of love – nothing more or less.

    I hope that you are able to figure a way to keep what you truly want, even if that means it gets put on hold while matters of practicality, sanity, peace and ease can be addressed (and nourished). Sending you the very warmest of thoughts.

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