Or, so one of the boys said this week at work when I gave them a chance to vent their frustrations with the staff and program in a healthy way — by writing it out. I encouraged them to curse me out if that’s what they wanted, that they wouldn’t get in trouble for it, and that I would shred the papers in front of them so they wouldn’t be seen by anyone else. Some of them really took advantage of it, some said they didn’t have any frustrations to vent (this was rare), and one wrote only “haha.”
At any rate, I was told that I look like a man, that I need to GET a man, that I’m a piece of shit and one kid actually called me (out loud) both a “white-ass mother f**ker” and a “bitch.” These last two statements were made at separate times and both were overheard by people above me — and that did not go over well at all for the boy. One of the guys thought I was going to be terribly offended and shouldn’t read his note at all, and I reminded him that if my self-esteem were so pitiful as to be toppled by a bunch of 16-year-old boys, I wouldn’t be working this job.
This same guy, about 20 minutes after the exercise, said, “That’s a really good coping skill!” I laughed and said, “What the heck do you think I write in my journals?!” The boys nearby found this highly entertaining and have been begging to see my journal ever since. I’m just waiting for the day that one of them yanks it off me and discovers that most of my cursing is directed to myself, not others, and usually is some variation of “I am so f**king FAT!”
And on that note — eating at work this week has been infinitely better. Someone (I’m not sure who) told the “moms” in the kitchen that I don’t eat meat, and so every meal, there has been a fish patty or veggie burger awaiting me. Occasionally, there is something that is technically “vegetarian” that I just don’t care for, and so I still do find myself eating protein bars and fruit a lot, but I actually had full meals this week, which is a huge improvement.
Other huge improvements/milestones: despite eating a full three meals a day, I am STILL eating a snack in the morning while the guys are in school. I think I’ve only skipped it once, and that was a morning where I had something like, 12 starches for breakfast. Also, I voluntarily drank TWO boosts this week and the guys got a real kick out of shouting “chug! chug! chug! chug!” as I downed one at dinner in 5 seconds flat. (Those things are disgusting. I cannot delicately sip one or I’ll never finish it.)
Even with all these attempts to eat well and fuel myself properly while at this new job, I am still losing weight. It’s not a huge amount, but the scale definitely goes down a bit every time I am home on time off, and my pants are a little looser. In addition, I have dropped below my residential discharge weight, which is….interesting. I always thought the weight I discharged from residential at was way too high, but if I were to look at it logically and analytically, I know that it’s fairly close to my set point (if not a bit below). So dropping below that weight puts me fairly close to the danger zone (somewhere around a BMI of 20.5) where my brain shifts over into full-blown eating disorder and I sort of lose control of the whole thing.
I see my dietician in my time off next week, so this is certainly a conversation I’ll be having with her. I am afraid to add too much more to my diet, simply because I don’t want to GAIN weight while at this job, either. And because I can only weigh myself once a week, it makes me nervous to eat a lot for a week and then come home only to find I’ve gained X pounds, which would make my two days off pretty miserable and would likely send me into a tailspin of restricting.
In the meantime, until I see my dietician next week, I commit to the following:
- Drinking at least 2 boosts over the next 5 days
- Eating a snack every day, whether I want it or not
- Keeping a food journal to bring to my dietician
- Taking an honest look at my intake and whether or not it’s enough