Ups and Downs

Long time, no update.  Sorry about that, loyal readers (all three of you).

I spend the beginning of July serving and smiling at Camp Barnabas, a residential summer camp for people with special needs, ages 7-45.  It was easily the best week I’ve had in a year.  I got the chance to work a beautiful young woman with cerebral palsy and learn about patience and the joy of a Christ-filled life from her.  I got to meet a young man with Down’s Syndrome who knows the Bible better than I do.  I got to meet and befriend a girl from Russia who was a child of the Chernobyl disaster.  I got the chance to discuss addiction and the cycles it runs it with a young man struggling with pornography.

I had the most amazing time, even if I did have to eat poptarts and chicken, and never set foot in the (awesome!) pool once.

When I got back, I had to hit the ground running.  I’ve got a new job in the works (more on that when it’s finalized) and had to get all my paperwork in within 24 hours of being home.   I got a new tattoo!  I’ve been planning and packing for a cruise my sister and I are taking with some friends at the end of the month.  I started looking into online master’s programs in hopes that I can find one that will work my job as I pursue a master’s in creative writing.

In short, things are going well!

Except in the eating department.  By halfway through the week at camp, I was starting to feel guilty about “how much” I was eating and switched to a cereal and salad diet.  By the time I returned home, my eating had tanked to less than 50% of my meal plan.  I started getting nauseated at even the thought of eating anything other than fruit (and it only got worse if I actually attempted a starch or fat).

I’m finally starting to get back on track, spurred in part by the fact that I’m on exercise restriction until I am consistently eating 100% of my meal plan.  (To say that my ED-brain was pissed about this is absolutely an understatement.)

Today has been better than any day in the past week, but in a freak-out over my [still under meal plan] lunch, I bought a scale.  Oh, sure, I justified it.  I’m not trying to lose weight, I’m just trying to make sure I maintain at this new job.  Or I’m just going to make sure that I don’t gain any more.  I still haven’t opened the box yet, in the hopes that I’ll rethink my decision and bring the thing back.

The scale still has SUCH pull over me, and I can’t seem to quit it.  Prayers and advice are definitely appreciated.

How have you been, friends?


10 thoughts on “Ups and Downs

  1. The scale holds a pull for me as well. I can’t even play Wii Fit with my family bc I know it will weigh me and give me my bmi. As much as I tell others (and truly believe this for THEM) that it is just a number and not a defining one at that, I somehow struggle to believe it for me.

    So you may not believe me when I say this, but I do entirely believe it, you are more than a number on the scale. Your weight and age are just numbers and inconsequential ones at that. Those numbers do not define who you are. They don’t tell me what you like. They don’t tell me how you drink your coffee or what you like to do in your free time. They don’t tell me what makes you tick. They tell me nothing about you. Do you know why? Because those numbers ARE NOT WHO YOU ARE!

    Return the scale, my friend. You are beautiful no matter what that number says. That number won’t tell you if you are taking care of yourself. That number won’t bring you comfort, even if it is a perfect number. That number won’t tell you if you are healthy. That number won’t tell you that you are worthy. That number won’t tell you that you are loved, beautiful, amazing and strong (which you are all of those things!).

    Praying for you, Sweet One!

    • Thanks, Dawn. It’s funny that you draw the comparison between weight and age as similarly inconsequential numbers. I had never thought of it that way, but I certainly don’t view my age as somehow defining who I am or might be!

  2. Return the scale. You don’t need that extra temptation to weigh on top of your other struggles.
    I think you also need to take the exercise restriction a little more seriously, friend. It is there for a reason. Think of this as a time to prove and prepare yourself before you begin your new job.

  3. HI, I found your blog after you commented on mine. I am always thrilled to find recovery sites, you inspire me with your courage and continued press forward. I am also thrilled you have God to be your guide and I know this can make the difference of recovering strong. Will keep you in my prayers and follow your blog. xx

  4. I know I don’t comment much, but I want to let you know that you are in my prayers, and that I know that you can do this. It makes me so sad/mad to see ED take a hold of such a wonderful, rewarding experience such as this camp :/ You can fight him though, and you are, and I know it will get easier <3


  5. Return the scale.

    You know that is what you need to do

    When you….—> WHEN <— you return it chant "Let Go and Let God…Let Go and Let God"

    this comment = #IneedtodoasIsaynotasIdo.

    So excited and inspired by the turns your life is taking right now. <3

  6. I think celebrating the strides you’ve taken and the successes you are seeing are a great way to look at why adding the scale to the equation really isn’t going to DO anything that shows who YOU are. Let the action occur, and continue to build from there.

    Put faith in the light of goodness AND in yourself.

    Scales may be a form of measurement, but they cannot measure the soul that you are. :)

    Be well.

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