Letting Off Steam

Also known as “venting.”

The last couple of weeks has sucked.  I wish I could put words to just how much it has sucked.  Actually, I could try, but it would mostly be me blubbering and ending the story with “and then I landed in the hospital for 4 nights.”  To be clear, not just any hospital:  a locked psychiatric ward.  Where, to add further insult to injury, I had to wear a “suicide prevention smock” for my first 24 hours.

I looked about this happy, too.

Long story short, I emailed my therapists on Wednesday letting them know I was feeling a little suicidal and that if I didn’t bring it up we should talk about it in session.  Renfrew staff freaked, nearly committed me; outpatient therapist freaked, made me go into the ER.  So I spent one night in the ER explaining to a psychiatrist why I was so damned depressed and the following three nights in the psych ward explaining to every freaking staff member who asked why I was so damned depressed.

Basically, I went off my meds.

I’m back on them now, but to be clear — I don’t feel a whole heck of a lot different than I did last Friday.  Actually, I might even feel worse because during our session today, after about 45 minutes and some talking in circles, my therapist told me that I “don’t want it” — recovery, that is.  And told me that until I want it and want it enough to really work for it, that I shouldn’t come back and see her.  So we canceled all my outstanding appointments.

Oh, and did I mention that Renfrew discharged me, too, because that is standard practice when you go into the hospital?

I left my therapy appointment today crying thinking, “That’s it.  I lost.  This thing is going to kill me one way or another.”

And in my current state of mind, I can’t even make myself care.


9 thoughts on “Letting Off Steam

  1. Hi there. I’ve lurked long enough to come out from the shadows and comment.

    I’ve been reading here for a few months now and just want to pass along that I find in the manner that you share and express to be very lovely. I am so sorry that you are struggling as you are and I know all too well how it goes when you offer some information to someone and suddenly it seems there is a rush of chaos that ensues.

    I hope that you don’t claim defeat. You haven’t thus far. Even if you are not where you want to be, or there is a melancholy that holds you hostage, for whatever reason it is for you, you continue on. I find that your insight is helpful to me and I would most certainly gather that others who read here, find likewise.

    Those suicide prevention smocks are so wrong and those models are “styled” just right. I’m sorry that you had to wear one. As well, I am sorry that you are facing what now seems a variety of unknowns.

    Please do be kind to you. Be patient in the steps you want to take. I hope that you will be able to find respite from the depression and can find the beacons of light peeking through to help guide you to where you truly want and deserve to be.



    • Thank you for your kind words and the reminder to not claim defeat. I am feeling much better today, in part due to your comment. I am hoping for respite as well and am taking seriously your admonition to be kind to myself. :)

      Thanks for de-lurking.

  2. Pingback: TGYWT- Cruising Edition « Beautiful Struggle

  3. I think it is normal — no one wants recovery 100% of the time. Or, you want it 100% of teh time but not with 100% of your soul all the time.
    Rough patches happen and some arte worse than others. I don’ty think the therapist was giving up on you, moreso empowering you. Putting the ball in your court.
    If there is anything I can do to help you please let me know.

  4. I wish with all my heart that I knew how to help you. But the truth is only you can help you, and that really sucks. I’m up for a chat or a run anytime you want to talk about stuff, but I’m thinking you know that.

  5. I am so, so sorry :( Seeing you so sad just breaks my heart beyond repair :'( Just know that you will get through this, you are in my thoughts and prayers <3

    Stay strong, you are worth the fight <3


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