Shameless Plea

I should tell you that every major relapse I’ve had has been proceeded by one thing:  stepping on the scale.  Yes, technically I step on the scale three nights a week at program, but I have not had a scale at home in over a year because I tend to be a little obsessive about the number.

Last night at program, I was told my weight.  I, rather loudly, looked at my therapist and said, “You have GOT to be kidding me.”  I then proceeded to cry for the next hour while my therapist stared at me.  I skipped dinner at program (I did eat a little later when I was out drinking with a friend), and then spent the last hour of program planning my attack.  Planning, to be clear, how I was going to lose this extra weight.

This morning, I dragged out an old scale deep from the recesses of my closet and hid it in my room.  I stepped on and made a goal for how much lower that number should be before the weekend is over.  I’ve planned ways to avoid eating, hide food I should be eating, etc. etc. etc.

Friends, I’ve put entirely too much time, energy, and money into this recovery game to go back now.  But it is SO SO SO tempting.

So what I’m asking for is this:  blow up this comments section please.  Tell me what you love about recovery.  Tell me what you’ve seen in me since I’ve been in recovery.  Tell me your own story.  Encourage me to stick to my @#($*&@#$ meal plan.  Remind me to take my meds.  Tell me you love me.  Whatever.

I (and my recovery) would greatly appreciate it.


27 thoughts on “Shameless Plea

  1. Hi – Random Reader Here –
    I’m delurking, because your post breaks my heart – I’ve been there, I am there…I’m not going to tell you that recovery is fantastic, because frankly, it’s really not that great all the time. What keeps me going is this: Do I really want to be fighting this for the rest of my life? Forever? Because if I go back, if I quit trying this stupid meal plan, and all that comes with it, then I’m signing myself up for a lifetime of this battle. And I don’t want that – for myself, or for you. Even greater, God doesn’t want that for you, either. I’m praying for courage and endurance for you today.

    • Thanks for de-lurking, Sarah. And you’re right – I don’t want to be fighting this for the rest of my life; thanks for the reminder.

      De-lurk more often! I’m sure you’ve got great things to say!

  2. Jess- Toss that scale out the window! You can do this. You’ve come so far! What you wrote the other day about fighting harder for your recovery because you saw how silly these girls are who are in therapy but not in recovery was awesome. Remember that. Remember how much you want to get better.

    I think just the fact that you chose to share the strong pull of the relapse with these blog readers is a big step.

    Here’s my new mantra: Aim for progression – not perfection.

    See you tomorrow.

  3. I love you and love you and love you and love you. I want you to be happy and healthy. I want you go live a long time, and I want my baby daughter to know you and love you like I do. I want you to get all the way well and be one of my BFFs forever and go out to dinner with me like it ain’t a thing. I want you to see how beautiful you are, inside and out. I don’t want you to go backwards. Eat things, ok? Tell on yourself wherever you need.

  4. I usually just read here and don’t comment, but I wanted to know how much I enjoy your writing and your story and how proud I am of you for how hard you have worked on your recovery. I can see how much progress you have been making recently. Don’t give up. Your readers need you and love you. And your correlation matrix loves you and needs you!

  5. I love you.
    Food tastes good.
    Like, really good.
    I love you.
    You have work to do…like, for HIM. (screw the porsche)
    I love you.
    Take your meds.
    You are not fat.
    PS- Let’s you and me get fat. Let’s just say. Will the world end? No. We’ll just be fat.
    I love you.
    Throw away that effing scale.
    Or donate it.
    Think about going back to lock-up.
    I love you.
    I need your inspiration to show me how stupid this is.
    Food tastes good.
    Restriction leads to …no EQUALS binging….purging, loathing…

    I am pretty sure you’re probably over this right now as I write this. That’s what I see in you. Strength. I am confident, dare I say you are miles away from the frame of mind you wrote this in.

    • Are you trying to convince me to go back to lock-up just so you can come visit me again? You know you can come visit me at home, too, right? ;-)

      But seriously – thank you. And while I wish I were miles away from the frame of mind I wrote this in, alas I am not. Here seems to be where the rubber meets the road in this recovery business.

  6. I’m so glad to be able to read your blog :-)

    Take your #)*%)#(%* meds.
    Follow your (@%&#% meal plan.
    Throw the )(*&#%# scale away.
    Eat toast.

    … and post more of your art!

    I know a whole bunch of people (myself included) who are here for you :-)

  7. throw that scale away now. or have a friend come over and take it away for you!
    when i am on the verge, i try to remember how strong and healthy i feel when well fed. i know it’s easier said than done but really mediating on my strength sometimes helps….
    good luck to you!!!

    • Nod – you’re so right! Meditating on my strength helps me a lot. I feel so much stronger now than I did six months or a year ago and I want to continue to feel that. Thanks for the reminder. :)

  8. Best three things said above:
    -Think about going back to lock-up.
    -Remember how much you want to get better.
    -Eat things, okay?

    : ) All I have to add is that I LOVE YOU. We all really do.

    I’m texting you now.

  9. Gah! I’m late to the party— I step away from the blog world for ONE day and miss the chance to tell you on THAT day that you should, y’know, freaking EAT. Thankfully, you have tons of awesome people here to do that for you. I hope you listened to all of them! Consider this a reminder today from your tardy friend. Eat your food! Take your meds (almost said toss your meds–awkward!,) get rid of those ridiculous weight loss plans (I mean, REALLY? Don’t give up that easily!) and think about something you value. Some of the things I’ve gained in recovery that have shown up just within the last 24 hours are:

    -the ability to go out spur of the moment last night to dinner with friends, where I consumed wine, truffle fries, a sandwich, and mashed potatoes AFTER eating a slice of pumpkin bread from Starbucks earlier that afternoon
    -the ability to deal with it without killing myself
    -the ability to eat again today without much guilt
    -the ability to take a gentle walk today and not do anything obsessive because it was hot and I didn’t feel like it
    -the husband sitting next to me that I wouldn’t have been able to commit to if I hadn’t gotten rid of my ED
    -the dog that wouldn’t have been ours
    -the meal plan journal that I don’t use anymore because I can eat enough without it

    So friend? Stay in recovery. It gets better.

    Oh, and toss that scale. I tossed mine in May 2009 and haven’t. looked. back. Since tossing it, I’ve been WAY happier with my body and I haven’t gained any weight. There is just no need to monitor that closely! Let your team handle it. They don’t want you fat–they want you healthy–and no matter what your brain tells you, those things are not the same.

  10. Fuck that scale. Dude, you are amazing, and your new body is beautiful! LOVE IT! For real!!! LOVE IT! I haven’t weighed myself in almost two months for that same reason. TAKE YOUR MEDS. They will help. You are a good person, no matter what the scale tells you. I adore you and am so glad you joined up <3

    • You’re right. The scale doesn’t determine my worth. I’m still getting used to my new body – I guess it just takes time. :) I adore you as well! Thanks for all your support and encouragement!

  11. I am so sorry it took me so long to reply :(

    You are worth this, you deserve to nourish yourself and you deserve happiness. You are an amazing person and I simply can’t stand to see ED tearing you up like this! I will get him I promise :)

    Remember, recovery is worth it! Why?

    Freedom is amazing
    Thinking about stuff other than food and cals is so freeing
    Happiness comes with it!
    Health is beautiful
    YOU are beautiful
    Numbers don’t matter
    Scales suck
    There’s an end to this battle
    Etc etc etc!

    Love you, don’t you ever forget that we are here for you because YOU are worth fighting for <3


  12. What I love about recovery:
    *going on a trip and saying “oh wait I forgot snacks” and bringing an actual backpack full of only sunscreen and snacks, because you know, the worm gets hungry. And being more than okay with it. And being okay going to hole-in-the-wall restaurants and not knowing the menu before hand. And eating whatever.
    *Being happy with going out with friends and skipping a workout
    *being part of the world again. Part of the world that eats and drinks and doesn’t work out almost every day, sometimes multiple times.
    *not being consumed with food
    *appointments with treatment team winding down. Thank you baby Jesus.
    *concentration improving
    *fear subsiding
    *joy returning

  13. You are worth the work.
    Yep, I said it. YOU ARE WORTH IT! You are worth the work of recovery, even when it really, really, really sucks. You are worthy of love and admiration, and not just from others but from yourself as well.

    And from someone who is also triggered by that number on the scale, for God’s sake get rid of your *#%!@^*# scale that you hide in your closet! You are way more important than that number! You are so much more than those stupid numbers.

    Hang in there! Praying for you

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