Bat Signal

Sometimes, I wish I had a lantern on my roof that I could illuminate when I needed support.

I could light up the night with a search light in the shape of a cupcake and my friends would know without my ever saying a word that I needed help.  Prayers.  Someone to sit with me while I eat.  Someone to tell me quite firmly that they expect me to show up to some event that will preclude my going for a run.

Because even after all these months, even after having friends come to my rescue and listen to me whine and cry, even after being shown again and again how much I am loved and cared for – I hate to bother people.

The shame creeps in all too easily, convincing me that these people do not care.  They have their own lives, their own struggles.  I just need to suck it up and move on.

And yet, there are still so many days that I need to just tell someone how horribly it’s going.  So many days when I struggle to eat every meal and every snack.  So many days when it is simply too tempting to go back.

I am stuck in this weird in between.  I’m not really “sick” any more and yet…

I’m not really “well” either.


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