I am house-sitting this week, which is always a nice break from the usual grind. However, house-sitting at this particular house is always a little nerve-wracking, because so much of my eating disorder is written into my history here.
This is the house where I lived for a summer in college, taking care of the kids and slowly gave into the beginnings of an eating disorder. This is the house where I starved and ran and slipped into the mirror. This is the house where I binged on alcohol and food for weeks while trying to forget the horrible night I was raped. This is the house where I taught myself to binge and purge. This is the house where I stayed up past midnight on the exercise bike. This is the house where I yelled and screamed and cried and begged for death only a few months ago.
I have been here since Saturday, and have actually been doing pretty well. I think this has to do with two things:
1. I pulled into the driveway on Saturday and before I ever even stopped the car, I prayed. Hard.
2. I came armed with a plan: a list of things to do instead of engaging in ED behaviours while here.
Some things I have done instead of engaging in ED behaviours: Wrote three letters to the kids I used to babysit. Drank a cup of tea. Looked through some cookbooks my friend gave me to find new, exciting foods to eat. Wrote in my journal. Took the dog for a walk. Played “Just Dance” on the Wii.
And now….I blog. I did some totally crazy stuff related to food today. Wanna hear? There are pictures involved!
Bought trail mix.
I also bought tuna, but I feel like by posting it, I would be committing to eating it. I’m not sure I’m ready to commit to that yet. We’re getting there.
The almonds are a serious victory because they represent my willingness to eat calorically dense foods. I have been making homemade larabars – they’re certainly healthy (nothing but dried fruit and nuts!), but not a “diet” food by any stretch of the imagination. These babies were the bulk of my menu while I was fighting off a sinus infection last week.
Oh, and in case you were wondering? I chopped off all my hair two days after my best friend’s wedding. Thanks to Sarah for the blog regarding hair matters – I’m definitely using this as motivation to eat well and continue to increase my protein and fat intake.
What about you, friends? What victories did you have today?