Today’s Victories: A Visual Diary

I am house-sitting this week, which is always a nice break from the usual grind. However, house-sitting at this particular house is always a little nerve-wracking, because so much of my eating disorder is written into my history here.

This is the house where I lived for a summer in college, taking care of the kids and slowly gave into the beginnings of an eating disorder. This is the house where I starved and ran and slipped into the mirror. This is the house where I binged on alcohol and food for weeks while trying to forget the horrible night I was raped. This is the house where I taught myself to binge and purge. This is the house where I stayed up past midnight on the exercise bike. This is the house where I yelled and screamed and cried and begged for death only a few months ago.

I have been here since Saturday, and have actually been doing pretty well. I think this has to do with two things:
1. I pulled into the driveway on Saturday and before I ever even stopped the car, I prayed. Hard.
2. I came armed with a plan: a list of things to do instead of engaging in ED behaviours while here.

Some things I have done instead of engaging in ED behaviours: Wrote three letters to the kids I used to babysit. Drank a cup of tea. Looked through some cookbooks my friend gave me to find new, exciting foods to eat. Wrote in my journal. Took the dog for a walk. Played “Just Dance” on the Wii.

And now….I blog. I did some totally crazy stuff related to food today. Wanna hear? There are pictures involved!

Today I…

Ate cheese.

My mouth looks funny because my teeth are clenched. Because cheese is still a leeeetle scary.

Bought trail mix.

Shocking! I have not had trail mix since I hiked 27 miles in a weekend. This is a treat!

Bought almonds.

Why wouldn't one buy 2 pounds of almonds when only two months ago they wouldn't touch them with a 300 yard pole?

I also bought tuna, but I feel like by posting it, I would be committing to eating it.  I’m not sure I’m ready to commit to that yet.  We’re getting there.

The almonds are a serious victory because they represent my willingness to eat calorically dense foods.  I have been making homemade larabars – they’re certainly healthy (nothing but dried fruit and nuts!), but not a “diet” food by any stretch of the imagination.  These babies were the bulk of my menu while I was fighting off a sinus infection last week.

Oh, and in case you were wondering?  I chopped off all my hair two days after my best friend’s wedding.  Thanks to Sarah for the blog regarding hair matters – I’m definitely using this as motivation to eat well and continue to increase my protein and fat intake.

What about you, friends?  What victories did you have today?

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7 thoughts on “Today’s Victories: A Visual Diary

  1. Loooooove this fun photo shoot!!! Good for you for having almonds, cheese, and trail mix! Now for the tuna…you must plan your strategy carefully, winding up with a tuna melt (heaven on a platter.)

    I am proud of you for taking such proactive steps while being in the house. It’s funny how places can take us back to a state of mind, huh? And I will respond to your email soon! I can definitely relate and will share a story about MY 3 best friends.

    xoxo

      • How is it going this week? Also, do you mind if I turn your email question into a blog post (without your name or IDing details and with a paraphrase of your question?)

      • Going okay – far from perfect, but I am definitely engaging in far fewer ED behaviours than I have when I’ve stayed here in the past. Baby steps.

        I wouldn’t mind at ALL if you turned my question into a blog post – surely I can’t be the only one in this situation! Hopefully it is the sort of post that can create some good dialogue and get lots of people realizing they’re not horrible, terrible ogres when these things happen. Because I occasionally feel like a horrible, terrible ogre. :)

  2. You go girl!

    I get so weirded out by “haunted ED places” … but sometimes being near one reminds me of how far I have come and how I so do not want to go back.

    Focus on that!
    And I see you went to Target…always so much fun for a girl to go to Target, right?

    AND…little miss…I am glad you bought the nuts.

    NOW….eat them!!

    (You should see my cupboards….I buy the stuff but that’s the easy part.)

    ~Missy

    • “Haunted” is a fabulous descriptor! The fact that so many places in my city are haunted by my ED is part of the reason I feel so strongly compelled to stay here while I work on recovery and letting God redeem my story.

      And yes – buying it is the easy part. Eating it is another story – but I am proud to say that I have eaten one packet of trail mix and used the almonds in energy bars (which I have also eaten). :)

  3. I feel like I have the keys to the kingdom now that I can see the “secret blog.” Thanks for trusting me enough to share your stuff. Thanks for being the kind of person I trust to share my stuff. Thanks for being your wonderful, beautiful self. Love!

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