And no, I’m not talking Eggo’s here.
I’m talking the three blogs where I’m all “YAY RECOVERY!” quickly followed by the three blogs where I’m all “OMG I’m like, such a fatty and recovery is stupid and I’m just going to die from this ED but like, I’ll be freaking THIN.” These kinds of waffles are intensely obnoxious both for those of us (i.e., ME) who are going back and forth all the dang time, as well as those poor souls (i.e., YOU) who are forced to listen to such crap.
I guess I’m just wondering when I’ll think that recovery is really worth it. Worth it even if I gain more weight, worth it even if I have to cry through meals for another week or month or year, worth it even if I feel like these emotions are going to KILL ME if I have to feel them another day. I like to think that I’m working for recovery and making progress. And we talked this week in support group that even if you are on a slight downswing in recovery, you’re never “going backwards” because you can’t unlearn what you’ve learned. It’s a nice idea, really, I’m just not sure I buy into it.
I don’t know how else to term it other than “going backwards” when I find myself crying over my new meal plan, skipping meals, working out like it’s my job. I don’t know how else to term it other than “going backwards” when I notice these things and think, “Let’s just see where this goes. It won’t be that bad this time, I’m sure.” I don’t know how else to term it other than “going backwards” when I start looking for ways to “outsmart” my treatment team and lose a few pounds.
What the heck else do you call it?
If I had to guess?