Things I am Loathe to Admit

(In no particular order)

1. While I have absolutely no concept of what I weigh right now (despite multiple opportunities to get my scale back and weigh myself), I have the feeling that whatever this weight is, it seems to be the bare minimum for where my body will settle healthfully.

2. This knowledge means that when I talk to my nutritionist next week about the fact that I’m training for another half-marathon, I should be aiming to maintain this weight.  Whatever it is.

3.  I am training for another half marathon, even though I know that this is not conducive to recovery.  (As multiple people have pointed out, this whole “eat to train” thing means that I am not dealing with the core issue – which is that I do not find myself worthy of being healthy just by virtue of my being human.)

4. Looking back at my past few months of blogging and journaling has made me realize that as much as I like to think I’ve been working hard for recovery, the reality is that the whole thing derailed (aka total relapse) shortly after my birthday.  It just looks different now.

5. The prozac is really quite helpful in dealing with my depression.  Since trashing the stuff a few days ago, I’ve noticed the rigidity and compulsivity around food slowly returning, as well as the inability to move myself from the couch for 12 hours at a time (except to get on the exercise bike).

6. I really, really, really hate my body.  I am constantly trying to remind myself that even though I’ve gained weight, I was really too thin and the fact that people no longer look at me and tell me I need to eat is a good thing.  I am actually getting complimented more now than I was at my lowest weight.  People still tell me how thin I am and how great I look, but in my mind I am chubbychubbychubbyfatdisgustingblob and people don’t seem to understand that.  One of my best friends rolled her eyes at me yesterday when I told her how much I hate my arms now that they have a [perfectly normal and healthy] layer of fat on them.

7. I really, really, really want to get back to the weight I was at a month ago.  Even though I know it was really unhealthy.

8. More than once in the past two weeks I’ve wondered if it’s worth it to keep fighting this.  I despise the feeling of hopelessness this eating disorder causes.

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One thought on “Things I am Loathe to Admit

  1. Found your blog by accident. You were very honest here. Please don’t give in to the hopelessness. I have only read a few posts. I hope you will continue to hold on. Recovery isn’t easy and can be frustrating. I know because I share you feelings. Stay strong.

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