From the Belly of the Beast

The big, fat belly that spent the last three weeks perpetually bingeing. 

Screw recovery.  I cannot do this. Do not know how to do this.

I was not kidding yesterday when I told my nutritionist that starving seems so much easier than trying to figure out how to eat normally.  It is, in fact, legitimately easier.  And doesn’t make me want to off myself, despite a daily dose of Prozac

So I, being weak, choose the path of least resistance.  Which, as it turns out, is also the path of least calories.

There are not words for the self-loathing I am fighting right now.  Violent, murderous self-contempt.


2 thoughts on “From the Belly of the Beast

  1. You might loathe yourself right now, but think about everyone who loves you. They see something beautiful in you, something worth fighting for. Think about your pastor’s wife who offered you the internship. Think about your friends and the child you work with. You mean something to all of these people (and to me.) I often found that music was helpful when I felt this way. I would just lay on the floor and cry and try to make these songs my prayer:
    -Voice of Truth (Jeremy Camp)
    -How He Loves (David Crowder)
    -Beautiful (Bethany Dillon)
    -I Need You to Love Me (Barlowgirl)
    -Free (Ginny Owens)
    -For the Moments I Feel Faint (Reliant K)
    -Brave (Nicole Nordeman)
    -Imagine Me (Kirk Franklin) <–this one is really powerful.
    -Cry Out to Jesus (Third Day)
    -Martyrs and Thieves and Hold Me (Jennifer Knapp)
    -Better than a Hallelujah and Somewhere Down the Road (Amy Grant)

    Seriously, make yourself a playlist and lay down on your floor or get in your car and go for a drive in the country. Cry and get this all out. Draw, journal, just lay there. God will speak to you even if you don't have words for him.

    I love you and am praying for you.

  2. Thanks for the song suggestions – and the prayers. I am going to make the effort this week to find a way to download and burn these! And keep it in my car and house both. :)

    And thanks for the reminder that my life is worth something. I tend to forget that.

    I am so very thankful for you.

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