Tonight, I Feel Brave

So tonight, as I packed my lunch for tomorrow, I packed a fear food.  Tomorrow for lunch I will eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I can tell you exactly how many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I’ve had in the last twelve months: one.  It was my lunch the day I hiked almost 14 miles.  I had “earned” it.

But tomorrow, I won’t “earn” it.  Tomorrow, I’ll eat peanut butter and jelly simply because I want to.  Because I, as a human being, am worthy of food.  So I will eat my sandwich and think of the far-away brother who sent the peanut butter, who loves to cook and share food.  I will eat and imagine the day when I am recovered, or at least more recovered, and can visit and partake in his cooking and care again.

And maybe that thought, and the knowledge that I am loved by One who calls me beloved daughter regardless of my mistakes will be enough to keep me from having a panic attack.  But if it is not, then there is the knowledge that I am headed to an internship at one of the few places in my city that I can call “safe” even in the worst of times.  Headed to an internship that was offered to me during the same conversation two months ago where I admitted I hadn’t eaten in two weeks.  Because this pastor believes in my gifts and call, even when I’m struggling.  And she listened and laughed along with me today as I described the past two weeks, the struggles and eventual triumphs.

So I guess what I’m saying is that tomorrow I’m going to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  And maybe I enjoy it and maybe I don’t.  And maybe it blows up in my face and I completely freak out.

But the point is: I am trying. Fighting. Hard. Because this thing does not get to rule me anymore.

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5 thoughts on “Tonight, I Feel Brave

  1. I am also eating a PB sandwich. They aren’t a fear food for me anymore but were at one point. They’re delicious! Remind yourself of the good things that this sandwich does for you:

    bread = carb = energy so you can succeed today.
    peanut butter = healthy fat = will help you stay satisfied and focused, as well as improving your hair and skin. It’s essential for brain functioning, menstruation (which is essential for bone health…) need I go on?
    jelly = glucose = you’ll want to seem energetic on your first day of work. This should help!

    Overall, you NEED this sandwich! You are doing your real self a huge favor by eating it. GO YOU!

  2. you are trying very hard I can tell. this post encouraged me today to do something brave because i want to not because i think ive eared it. thanks for sharing.

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