Why I Have to Go Away

Days like the past three remind me of why I’m in the process of applying to a residential treatment program.  Days like the past three, where I use every available resource at my disposal and still find myself engaging in disordered behaviours.  Days like the past three, where I wake up and actively choose to get back on the horse, only to watch it all fall apart within hours.  Until, finally, I think to myself, “This is NEVER going to work.”  And I consider giving up the whole thing and just letting this eating disorder kill me already.

Because this is hell.  I cannot live like this and I cannot see a way out.

(Except, of course, I do.  It just involves me swallowing my pride and admitting that I can’t get well without going away.  Because like my counselor said, I am working HARD, but sometimes it’s just not enough in this context.)

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s