Notes to Self

My nutritionist wants me to start working on developing more nurturing self-talk. You know, as opposed to the abusive, demeaning self-talk that is associated with my eating disorder brain.

This is at times easier said than done. And, at times, sounds downright ridiculous. I like to imagine that there will be a day that I don’t have to tell myself that I am entitled to eat and eat healthfully and that it is okay to take care of myself. I also like to imagine that there will be a day that I don’t spend massive amounts of time trying to talk myself out of behaviours.

However, that day is NOT today, and so for your reading pleasure and my recovery, I give you the list of things that I am telling myself this morning.

1. What I call a “binge” most people would simply call “dinner.”
2. No matter what my eating disorder tells me, it is scientifically impossible that I gained 10 pounds overnight.
3. Running this morning might make me feel better for that 30 minutes, but it will likely further aggravate the stress fracture in my ankle. And will keep me from dealing with these feelings of guilt and shame.
4. Even if I did or do gain weight, why does that matter? There are dozens of positive qualities I have that have nothing to do with my appearance.

I have a really difficult time believing that last one, even though I know it is true. Part of developing that nurturing voice for me is spending time with my Father and repeating over myself the Truth he tells me about who I am.

This post is probably rife with mistakes, as I am writing it on my phone. But, if you’ll allow me to be cheesy and metaphorical for a moment, recovery is sort of rife with hits and misses and mistakes and learning to get back on the horse.

And the bigger point is: I’m not running right now.

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