I haven’t done a goal list in a while. This is due, in large part, to my major waffling on whether or not I really want to do this “recovery” thing. (For more on this, please see my last post where my eating disorder was so kind as to be a guest author.) But the fact of the matter is, recovery isn’t an option. I will fight. I will get better.
And, because I’m slightly superstitious, I believe that the way you start a year says a lot about the way it will go. So tomorrow, I turn 25. Tomorrow, I get back on track with my recovery and fight this thing to the bitter end.
Goals for this week:
- Discuss with my counselor the process of beginning to transition to an ED specialist. There is another counselor in the office who is herself recovered from an eating disorder and is the most likely candidate. I think transitioning to someone in the same office will make my life tremendously easier (no anxiety regarding new waiting room, new office staff, etc.) and will make it easier for this new counselor to discuss aspects of my treatment with my current counselor before she goes on maternity leave.
- Discuss with my nutritionist the need/possibility/terrifying prospect of adding more calories. For the past week (ever since I returned from a physically strenuous camping weekend), I’ve noticed all the tell-tale signs of starvation setting in. Again. And, to be fair, I’ve been hanging out at the same calorie count for over a month. I’m a little shocked my nutritionist let me stay here as long as I did, though I guess those two weeks where I refused to eat at all made her a little more willing to take what she could get.
- Discuss with my nutritionist the possibility of maintaining a primarily vegan diet. Honestly, I just prefer soy milk to regular milk. I prefer tofu jerky to beef jerky. I only ate eggs once a year anyway. My nutritionist and I discussed this briefly last week, when I acknowledged the fact that I would either need to start eating animal products again or become more comfortable with adding fat to my diet. She encouraged me to try eating yogurt once this week, which I did and which, to be honest, I just didn’t really care for. I much prefer my soy yogurt, as strange as it sounds. So there you have it. I may have to start eating things like olive oil and peanut butter. (My eating disorder brain went completely apoplectic, for the record.)
- Drink calories. Aside from alcohol, I never drank many calories in the first place, but that all but ceased completely when I relapsed last fall. The reality is that I’m a little freaked out by having to eat more, so if I’m going to have to add calories, maybe drinking them will be the way to go. I used to really enjoy the Naked Fruit Smoothies, so I will clarify my goal to say that I should buy and drink (in no more than 2 sittings) a small fruit smoothie. And maybe even try to enjoy it.
- Make an appointment with my gynecologist. This is in part due to the fact that my older sister just had a mass found on her uterus. And in part due to the fact I have not been to any doctor since my eating disorder exploded this spring. Given that the biggest, most undeniable red flag in all this mess has to do with my reproductive health, it’s time to man up and see a doctor.
- Update my resume’. Send off at least 3 job applications. This has nothing to do with anything except for the fact that eating disorder treatment is bloody expensive and I’m going to be unemployed in three weeks. So if I’d like to continue seeing my counselor and nutritionist, it would behoove me to find some sort of income.
- Make a list of 30 things I’m thankful for. Thank God for them every morning. This is actually homework that my pastor gave to our community today. I love it when he gives us homework.
I need to get back into doing these every week. It makes recovery so much more tangible when I can check things off a list.