I’m just tired. Tired of having an eating disorder. Tired of knowing that this is not how life was intended, but feeling powerless to get where I’m supposed to be. Tired of trying to figure out if I really want to run or if that’s giving into my eating disorder. Tired of eating the same things over. And over. And over. Just because they’re “safe.”
Or, perhaps more truthfully, recovery is boring. Choosing to live in a way that fuels my eating disorder is actually very dramatic. Self-centered to be sure, but dramatic. Exciting. Always something new on the horizon: the next weigh-in (only a few hours away, of course), the next workout (ditto), the first time you’ll fit into that next smaller size, the point at which you become so very sick that people start to notice.
Recovery? Blah. It is boring and hard and I don’t like it at all. I am frustrated by the process of it all, of the length of the road left to travel. I want to wake up tomorrow and just be normal about food. I want to eat without feeling guilty or ashamed. I want to be able to go more than two hours without eating (because sometimes my schedule just doesn’t permit this) without worrying that my blood sugar will plummet and I’ll get sick. I’d like to be able to sit or lie down without feeling the floor rushing at my head (and let’s not even talk about standing up). I’d like to be able to go out to the movies or dinner with friends again and enjoy their company without thinking of calories and the next meal or snack. I’d like to be assured that when I tack an extra mile onto a run, that it’s really me desiring that, not my crazy brain. I’d like to be able to plan ahead and be assured that my plans won’t have to be waylaid due to a stint at a treatment center.
All of these things seem so terribly far away. I know I’m making progress – in fact, my counselor and nutritionist are impressed at just how much progress I’m making – but I still feel so far from the woman that I was created to be. (But let’s be honest – my acknowledgement that I was created to be a “woman” not a “girl” is a big step. Huge, even. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I will be 25 in two days, but I’m trying to relinquish the “kid” mentality.)
And I was never good at delayed gratification. Something to do with my middle-class American upbringing, I’m sure.
I digress. In short, recovery is boring and I am tired of it.
Case in point: I am sitting in the library wondering if I will eat a snack so this headache will go away. If I will eat all the calories on my meal plan today. If I will go to the gym and workout. (Again.)
Somebody please remind me that the answers to the questions should be as follows:
YES. YES. NO.
Okay, time to stop whining. Full speed ahead.