Recovery? Recovered? Say What?

More and more, I find myself wondering what, exactly, recovery looks like for me.  What recovered looks like.  I think there exist a lot of good, general definitions about what being recovered from an eating disorder entails.  My nutritionist laid out a few decent guidelines (like, living out of MY value system, not my ED’s; being able to eat without fear of becoming magically fat; being unashamed of eating), but I’ve been wondering what “recovered” would look like for me personally.

In Life Without Ed, there is an activity at the end of one of the sections, where you are asked to envision recovery from a physical, emotional, and spiritual standpoint.  I rather inadvertently did this today while praying and journaling.  I was praying and thanking God that he already IS victorious over this.  That the real, life-changing work was already FINISHED on a cross two thousand years ago.  And then it hit me:

I don’t know when, but I will be fully recovered.

What a glorious thought!  Two months ago I was sure I would rather die than fight this one more day.  Two months ago, I was sure there was no way I could ever regain the parts of me that have been lost over the past year.  But today, I am sure that I will regain all that has been lost and so much more.  It may not be for years, decades even, but it is assured.  He is making all things new. 

And in the meantime, I have a beautiful vision of that day:

  • When I am recovered:  I will love my body for the things it can do – not demean it for the things it is not.
  • When I am recovered:  I will love my God with all my heart and soul and strength.
  • When I am recovered:  I will love people unashamedly.  I will love myself unashamedly.
  • When I am recovered:  I will help others travel this road.  I will speak life and truth into dark places.
  • When I am recovered:  The only “security” will be that of knowing that I am daily becoming the woman God created me to be.
  • When I am recovered:  I will be dependent on God alone for the sort of soul-satisfying nourishment my eating disorder claims to provide.
  • When I am recovered:  I will sing praises to the Lord and exalt his name.  I will make known to the nations his mighty deeds.
  • When I am recovered:  I will serve God well.  Love God well.  Serve his people well.  Love his people well.
  • When I am recovered:  I will laugh.  I will cry.  I will shout.  I will worry.  I will pray.  I will be bashful.  I will be distressed.  I will be frustrated.  I will be sad.  I will grieve loss.  I will be surprised.  I will be joyous.  I will be all these things in the moment.

I still have not put into words what my recovery will look like physically.  Part of that is because to look at the emotional and spiritual aspects of “recovered” for me is not nearly so difficult – there are many ways where I am, even now, attempting to do these things.  Where I am, occasionally, succeeding at doing these things.  But to put into words what “recovered” will look like physically and in a tangible, food-related way will only serve to highlight just how “un-recovered” I am.  So I shall save that for another day.

Today, I am hopeful. 

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