Goal Check

This is a total cop-out blog entry, and I’ll admit that.  I have a ton to say about today’s counseling, actually, but that will have to wait for another blog, or you’ll be reading for days.

Last week’s goals were as follows:

1. Buy cheese – I actually did this!  And I ate it twice last week!  This is a far cry from the 1 oz a day I’m supposed to be eating, but we’re counting it as success.

2. Speak up in group – I did this as well!  We were discussing our food rules and I added mine to the list.  It was exceptionally uncomfortable and I left feeling a little “crazy” – thankfully, I was able to figure out on the ride home that I didn’t really feel crazy, but I felt sick.  In that “maybe this is more than being a little funny about food” sort of way.  Still trying to process this, but counseling today helped.  Success.

3. Spend 10 minutes a day meditating on John 16:33 – I think I did this everyday.  Some days it was more of a mantra when things got tough: “Okay, okay, this sucks.  But it’s okay.  Take heart.  He has overcome the world.  He has overcome this struggle.  He is peace.” Success.

4. Say “I have an eating disorder” out loud – Nope.  Fail.

5. Eat one thing I really want – Muffin on Wednesday.  Which was really, really painful (physically) and really, really nerve wracking (see point number 3, where I have to talk myself through these sorts of things).  Also, tonight I had a square of dark chocolate.  Actually, two.  I had the first one and thought, I kind of liked that.  And I’ve got the 22.5 calories to spare today. Success.

6. Trash the scale and tell the nutritionist she’s in charge of my weight – A dear friend is now fostering my scale.  There are no words for how anxious I am without knowing my weight, but at least past 96 hours I stopped counting the hours since my last weigh-in.  I told my nutritionist that I got rid of it and she even has a ritual for such things (no, really).  She commended me on my courage and determination for health.  These were things I need to hear often, as I often forget that I’ve made any success on the road to recovery.  However, if weighing me isn’t the first thing she does when I see her Wednesday, I’ll have to be a little more assertive and insist on it – mainly because I need to know that I didn’t somehow gain 20 pounds last week and I really think someone needs to be watching the weight.  Nonetheless – success.

7. Meal plan challenge Fail.  As kindly pointed out by my counselor today, it makes perfect sense that I would be even more restrictive and controlling with my food after giving up the scale.  Calorie counts were all over the board this week, and even though I didn’t run every day, I did work out every day on legs that are still in really bad shape from that half marathon.

Five out of seven isn’t bad, I guess.  Even if it were five steps forward and two steps back, I’d still come out three ahead.  So in general, I’m moving in the right direction – even if the day-to-day is a little hairy.

Goals for the coming week:

1. Say the words I have been so reluctant to say for months:  “I have an eating disorder.”  Out loud.  Preferably to another person.  (Look familiar?)

2. Counseling homework: Spend some time thinking about how my family communicated (verbally and nonverbally) my unworthiness to me.

3. Nutrition homework:  What would I eat if, for one day, calories vanished and I couldn’t possibly gain any weight?  (As a bonus, what might this say about my current food choices, what needs to be reintroduced, and what can be left to the wayside?)

4. Meal plan challenge:  Come within 100 calories of the meal plan 2 days in a row.  (I have this terrible habit of meeting the meal plan, then restricting.  Then meeting the meal plan, then restricting.  This is not helping me move forward.)

5. Spend 10 minutes a day reading scripture.  Ask God to show me my true worth.

6. At the end of every day, write down two things that I did well with food. (Example to follow.)

7. Do something just for me.  Try not to feel guilty about it.

Today’s food successes:

1.  Dark chocolate – this same chocolate bar has been sitting, about half eaten, since Christmas.  The fact that I ate a square of it was a success in itself.  The fact that I then thought, That was nice.  How about another square? is monumental.  I wrote this in my food log for the nutritionist and put a smiley face next to the “dark chocolate square”.  Seriously.

2.  I have had this funny thing about granola since January – granola bars – safe.  Granola from a bag – hurry-run-the-opposite-direction-you-will-completely-lose-your-head-and-binge-and-get-fat.  I got a little crazy on Sunday’s trip to Earth Fare and bought a bag of organic granola (I think it was the dates that suckered me in).  And after much debate about just how anal I would be in measuring (break out the kitchen scale? or just use a measuring cup?), I had slightly less than one serving.  The world didn’t end.  And I almost enjoyed it a bit.


One thought on “Goal Check

  1. I used to have a granola thing, too. It’s soooo yummy though so I’m glad I’ve reintroduced it into my life!

    I think you did a wonderful job accomplishing your goals and I think you have realistic goals set for next week. Congratulations on your hard work and on the dark chocolate and granola bars!! I totally agree with your counselor that taking ANY step is good. Just not a step in your running shoes :)

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