This is a total cop-out blog entry, and I’ll admit that. I have a ton to say about today’s counseling, actually, but that will have to wait for another blog, or you’ll be reading for days.
Last week’s goals were as follows:
1. Buy cheese – I actually did this! And I ate it twice last week! This is a far cry from the 1 oz a day I’m supposed to be eating, but we’re counting it as success.
2. Speak up in group – I did this as well! We were discussing our food rules and I added mine to the list. It was exceptionally uncomfortable and I left feeling a little “crazy” – thankfully, I was able to figure out on the ride home that I didn’t really feel crazy, but I felt sick. In that “maybe this is more than being a little funny about food” sort of way. Still trying to process this, but counseling today helped. Success.
3. Spend 10 minutes a day meditating on John 16:33 – I think I did this everyday. Some days it was more of a mantra when things got tough: “Okay, okay, this sucks. But it’s okay. Take heart. He has overcome the world. He has overcome this struggle. He is peace.” Success.
4. Say “I have an eating disorder” out loud – Nope. Fail.
5. Eat one thing I really want – Muffin on Wednesday. Which was really, really painful (physically) and really, really nerve wracking (see point number 3, where I have to talk myself through these sorts of things). Also, tonight I had a square of dark chocolate. Actually, two. I had the first one and thought, I kind of liked that. And I’ve got the 22.5 calories to spare today. Success.
6. Trash the scale and tell the nutritionist she’s in charge of my weight – A dear friend is now fostering my scale. There are no words for how anxious I am without knowing my weight, but at least past 96 hours I stopped counting the hours since my last weigh-in. I told my nutritionist that I got rid of it and she even has a ritual for such things (no, really). She commended me on my courage and determination for health. These were things I need to hear often, as I often forget that I’ve made any success on the road to recovery. However, if weighing me isn’t the first thing she does when I see her Wednesday, I’ll have to be a little more assertive and insist on it – mainly because I need to know that I didn’t somehow gain 20 pounds last week and I really think someone needs to be watching the weight. Nonetheless – success.
7. Meal plan challenge – Fail. As kindly pointed out by my counselor today, it makes perfect sense that I would be even more restrictive and controlling with my food after giving up the scale. Calorie counts were all over the board this week, and even though I didn’t run every day, I did work out every day on legs that are still in really bad shape from that half marathon.
Five out of seven isn’t bad, I guess. Even if it were five steps forward and two steps back, I’d still come out three ahead. So in general, I’m moving in the right direction – even if the day-to-day is a little hairy.
Goals for the coming week:
1. Say the words I have been so reluctant to say for months: “I have an eating disorder.” Out loud. Preferably to another person. (Look familiar?)
2. Counseling homework: Spend some time thinking about how my family communicated (verbally and nonverbally) my unworthiness to me.
3. Nutrition homework: What would I eat if, for one day, calories vanished and I couldn’t possibly gain any weight? (As a bonus, what might this say about my current food choices, what needs to be reintroduced, and what can be left to the wayside?)
4. Meal plan challenge: Come within 100 calories of the meal plan 2 days in a row. (I have this terrible habit of meeting the meal plan, then restricting. Then meeting the meal plan, then restricting. This is not helping me move forward.)
5. Spend 10 minutes a day reading scripture. Ask God to show me my true worth.
6. At the end of every day, write down two things that I did well with food. (Example to follow.)
7. Do something just for me. Try not to feel guilty about it.
Today’s food successes:
1. Dark chocolate – this same chocolate bar has been sitting, about half eaten, since Christmas. The fact that I ate a square of it was a success in itself. The fact that I then thought, That was nice. How about another square? is monumental. I wrote this in my food log for the nutritionist and put a smiley face next to the “dark chocolate square”. Seriously.
2. I have had this funny thing about granola since January – granola bars – safe. Granola from a bag – hurry-run-the-opposite-direction-you-will-completely-lose-your-head-and-binge-and-get-fat. I got a little crazy on Sunday’s trip to Earth Fare and bought a bag of organic granola (I think it was the dates that suckered me in). And after much debate about just how anal I would be in measuring (break out the kitchen scale? or just use a measuring cup?), I had slightly less than one serving. The world didn’t end. And I almost enjoyed it a bit.