Necessary Conversations

To be honest, there’s no reason for me to put the following online.  It’s already in my journal, ready to bust out at counseling tomorrow.  There is the small chance that someone might hold me to what I’m about to say here, but the bigger reason for doing so is just to put out an easy blog entry.  Something that will not further stress me out and will, hopefully, distract me from what I’d really like to do right now.  With any luck, by the time this is finished and published to the web, I will be so tired I can do nothing but fall asleep.

I made a list of things that absolutely MUST be discussed with my counselor at my appointment tomorrow.  I feel like some of these things are clarification of things she already knows, but perhaps doesn’t know the extent of, while some is new information and seems to be approaching the crux of the matter.  Regardless, I made the decision that these things must come up in counseling tomorrow for continued forward motion in recovery.  So – if I don’t bring them up in counseling tomorrow, I don’t get to run tomorrow.  Which is about the worst punishment in the world these days.

To be discussed with the counselor tomorrow – NO EXCUSES:

1. The scary extent to which I hate myself.  Last week in counseling, I made a comment about how I was so angry and frustrated at myself that I’d like to rip my head off and slam it against the wall.  My counselor noted that this was a tad violent.  (She also had a visible reaction for the first time in eight months.  A look that either said “Oh geez, I cannot work with you if you’re going to be so melodramatic” or “Sweet heavens – we may have a psychiatric case here.”  I can’t be sure.)  But really, ripping my head off and slamming it against the wall was TAME compared to what I’d really been thinking about doing.  I don’t know if this signals that I’m nearing some sort of psychotic break, but the self-hatred has certainly taken a turn into violent fantasy, which should probably be mentioned.  (And if you don’t hear from me for a couple of days, I was probably committed to the hospital.)

2. I think I’m realizing more and more just how much the eating disorder/food hang-up/disordered eating (I really don’t know what to call this thing anymore) is linked to my punishing myself.  Over the weekend, I was taking some quiet time to myself and feeling really quite good – physically and emotionally.  Which is when I thought, I wish I hadn’t eaten [my super-healthy low-calorie] lunch [after running a nine mile race].  If I hadn’t, I could have a headache and be in pain.  And I really want to be in pain right now because I deserve it. This is a pretty common thought – the “Oh, you’re hungry and in pain and miserable?  GOOD.  Don’t act like you deserve something better – you don’t.”  And on a related note…

3.  There’s this memory that’s been sticking with me for a month or two now.  And as much as it seems silly to bring up a random memory from eight years old, it is certainly a curious memory.  When I was in second or third grade, I did some research on childhood diseases – due in large part to the fact that I had a classmate with diabetes.  I found out that kids would get diseases like diabetes and have to get shots and be in lots of pain and would never be cured and maybe even die.  This sounded like the end of the world to me.  I prayed to God every night, in tears, begging him to give me a disease like that.  Please God, don’t let another kid get diabetes – give it to me.  They don’t deserve it, but I do.  Please God, I’m sorry I’ve been bad, don’t let another kid suffer.  Please let me take it for them. Every. Night.  Shame seems to have had a grip rather early on.

I will try to update tomorrow as to whether or not I actually accomplished bringing these things up to my counselor.  (Or if I chickened out, which is pretty likely as well.)


2 thoughts on “Necessary Conversations

  1. Hey there. I can relate so much to what you’ve written–I have the same kind of thoughts all the time. The self-hatred, the feeling that I don’t deserve to eat, that I deserve to be in pain. When one of my good family friends died last year, I wished that it had been me because I felt that I deserved it. I think a lot of people with eating disorders have these thoughts, and the truth is that you do not deserve to be in pain. You deserve to be healthy and have a wonderful fulfilling life. And I hope that your counselor is able to help you start to work through all these thoughts. And good for you for having the courage to decide to bring them up to her. I hope you do and I hope that she can help you start to refute these thoughts because they are not true. They are just one more way that the eating disorder has its grip on you.

    Take care and good luck tomorrow!

  2. I used to have lots of fairly graphic self harm fantasies, too, though the worst I would ever allow myself to actually do was pinch myself hard with my nails. I agree with Jessie–you DESERVE to feel healthy, happy, balanced, no matter what you think you deserve.

    One great book I’ve read on the topic of shame is “Shame Off You.” Feel free to email me if you want me to send you my copy–it really made a difference in my life.

    And let us know how the appointment went!

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